Letting Go...

On Tuesday, January 22, 2013, after three months of being in a hospital or care facility on a ventilator, Ryan's dad passed away.  That weekend (Saturday - Monday) he ended up in the ER three separate times due to low oxygenation issues as well as needing a blood transfusion.  On the 3rd visit the ER doctor called Ryan and said they found a bleed in his GI tract and wanted to know how to proceed.  Cliff had told us that he didn't want any heroic measures to be taken to save him (such as if his heart gave out, etc) and since he could no longer communicate with us it came time for Ryan and his siblings to make a decision. If he was bleeding internally they would have to do intensive testing to figure out where exactly the bleed was. They may also have to do surgery to repair it.  In addition to the bleed the ER doctor also told us that he had a high buildup of carbon dioxide in his system (which possibly could have been contributing to his loss of responsiveness the past couple of weeks) and they had to put his ventilator settings on the highest settings to push that poison out of his system.

The goal at the beginning of this journey three months ago was to get Cliff off the ventilator and breathing on his own again but there was no possible way they could begin to wean him off if his body continued to required it. We knew at this point he couldn't breath on his own and it seemed that his body was slowly beginning to shut down.  So on Monday, January 21st, Ryan met with the doctors and his siblings and it was decided that the best thing to do was to let him go.

Though I say that was the best thing to do, that does not mean it was the easiest thing to do. Having to make the decision to end life support is very difficult. But Ryan and I and his siblings felt at peace with the decision and believed that it was what Cliff would want if he had to make the decision himself.  So the decision was made.  Ryan and his sister contacted Cliff's pastor and several of his friends and told them the situation.  Between Monday evening and Tuesday evening he had several visitors to his room who all wanted to say their goodbyes.  It was heartbreaking to see them with tears in their eyes as they expressed their love for him and said goodbye. A few of them told us they didn't know how we were handling it so well.  I have never been so grateful for the gospel and the peace and strength the spirit brings in times such as this. It was the only thing that helped us handle it.

Ryan's brother flew in from California and the three of us sat with Cliff most of Tuesday.  He could no longer respond to us and we weren't even sure he knew we were there but we hoped he could feel of our love for him and hear us when we spoke.  By 6:30 Ryan's sister and husband came along with his Pastors and another dear friend.  The nurses then came in to explain to us what would take place.

At 6:45pm they gave him some Ativan to help calm and relax him

At 7:00pm they gave him some morphine. This was to help open his airway and give him the sensation that he was breathing. They explained to us that he would feel no pain and everything would be very calm and peaceful. They said it would be harder for us to watch than it would be for him. They said his breathing would not be sufficient but how long it took for him to pass depended on when his heart would give out. I really had to brace myself.

At 7:15pm they turned off all the alarms and then unplugged the ventilator from his throat.  We all gathered around his bedside and expressed our love for him. The Pastors said a prayer and we told him it was okay to take flight and return home and that we would be okay. After a couple of minutes we could see the color drain from his face. His breathing went from somewhat rapid (as if he were trying to catch his breath) to only breathing about once every 15-20 seconds.  We cried, we hugged, we prayed.

At 7:30 the nurse listened to his heart and then said "I am so sorry for your loss."  He was gone.

It is hard for me to explain that experience in words.  I had never been around death at any time in my life and I thought I would be so terrified to be in the same room with a person who had died. But even though this experience was heartbreaking, it wasn't terrifying.  It was peaceful.  I felt blessed to witness such a spiritual event.

A few minutes after Cliff had gone everyone had, for one reason or another, left the room and I was left in there by myself with his body.  I took a moment to thank him for raising such a wonderful son and I promised him again (he already made me promise a month or two ago) that I would take good care of Ryan and he didn't need to worry.  I told him we would love him always and that we knew he was happy where he was and that because of that we would be okay.  I cried for only a minute before that peace came again and I was reassured that we really would be okay. Cliff may be gone from us for now but we will see him again. Of that I have no doubt.

I am so grateful the short time I had to get to know him.  May he rest in peace until the glorious day of the Resurrection.

Updates...

I swear every post I write these days is entitled "Updates". I need to be better at updating regularly so my blog posts can have more creative titles. But nonetheless, here are a few updates since I have blogged last.

Ryan and I are both a year older. Our birthdays are only 8 days apart. This year we decided to pick the day right in the middle of both our birthdays and take it off work. We had a wonderful day off to celebrate and it was awesome. We should celebrate this way every year because that extends both of our birthdays a little longer. :)

Two days after my birthday, Ryan's dad went to the ER because he had some pneumonia and was having difficulty breathing. Things progressively went down hill and he has been in the hospital on a ventilator for a month now. There are little improvements every day and we are hopeful that he will be able to breath on his own again, without the help of a machine, but it will be a long road. It's been a long month of visiting the hospital every day after work but we are choosing to remain positive and hopeful.

Ryan is also finishing up his first semester of grad school so he's been staying plenty busy. All the more reason it was nice to take a day off together. I am enjoying my evenings at home while Ryan is in school. Since we currently only have one car and he has it on school nights, I don't really get the chance to go out much. But the nights home give me time to workout and work on some projects that would otherwise be completely neglected. So I guess it's a win-win for both of us. I'm excited for Ryan and proud of him for pursing his education. One semester down, three to go. We can do this! :)

I hated the outcome of the presidential election and really struggled with understanding it for a day or two afterwards. I have no idea how we, as a country, can be in such a mess and people want to re-elect the guy who got us here. I know several people who would disagree with that statement and that's fine. This is just simply my own opinion. I do not like seeing the direction this country is headed but the day after the election as I battled with the many emotions I was feeling, I was reminded of a hymn that says, "We thank thee, oh God, for a Prophet, to guide us in these latter-days..." I know that no matter what this country goes through, if I follow the counsel of our latter-day prophet, and put my trust in God, I will be okay. Knowing that brings me peace of mind.

And last but not least, today, November 20th, is the two year anniversary of Ryan's baptism into the LDS Church. I cannot believe it has already been two years! He has made such a huge transformation in his life that it is impossible for me to even look at him and see the person he used to be. That person simply no longer exists. The gospel has changed his life and I am so grateful for the person he has become. It has been an amazing two years!

Family Vacation 2012 - Part III

I started with Part I so if you want to start at the beginning of the trip you'll need to begin two posts down and read backwards. :)

We left Illinois on the afternoon of Day eight and drove to Council Bluffs, Iowa. This was about a 7 hour drive so we arrived in the evening and didn't do much else that day.

Day Nine:
We visited the Kanesvile Tabernacle in Council Bluffs. It was a quick trip, not much to see there but a visitor's center and a renovated tabernacle. This was where Brigham Young was officially sustained as the new prophet following the death of Joseph Smith.

From there we headed into Nebraska to Winter Quarters.

We took pictures of the temple, visited the Visitor's Center and wandered through the cemetery. I had a great-great-great grandpa (Thomas Butterfield, founder of Herriman) who traveled west with the saints and he spent about two years in Winter Quarters. So it was really fun for me to learn more about that place and what the saints did there.

One of the things I learned there, that I found most fascinating, was that the trip from Navuoo, IL to Winter Quarters, NE took the first group of saints about five months to make. It was incredibly muddy and one man recorded in his journal "only crossed one mud puddle today. It was six miles long!" The trip that distance should have taken 5 weeks but due to the mud, it took five months. It was later found out that while the saints were forging miles-long mud puddles to get to Winter Quarters, there were actually Indian Wars going on there at the time. So if they had arrived in 5 weeks as they should have, they could have been in terrible danger (right in the middle of these Indian Wars). So by some miracle, the mud slowed them down and allowed them to arrive at Winter Quarters after the Indian Wars ended. This story definitely taught me an important lesson: there are always blessings in trials.

Winter Quarters was the last "stop" on our trip. We left there around 1pm, grabbed some lunch and then started our journey home. We stopped again in Cheyenne, Wyoming over night and then the next day (Day 10) we made the final 7 hour stretch home. In the course of 10 days we spent about half of them in the car but it was still a lot of fun. I love road trips and it was even more fun to caravan with my family. We had between 23 and 29 of us (out of 36) on this trip so it was a big crowd but I wouldn't trade that experience for anything! The kids kept us entertained and even though it was exhausting and at least all of us had a break down at one point or another, we still had plenty of laughs.

Family Vacation 2012 - Part II

Day Five:
We left Independence early this day but before we made it to Illinois we stopped in a little town called Jamesport. It's an Amish town. We drove through their country, admiring their hard work and labor and then stopped in a little store (run by two Amish women) to buy some bread and other goods. They seemed little overwhelmed at first when we all walked in, but after most of us left, they began talking and talking with my sister-in-law and told her all about their livelihood. They've worked in that little store baking bread for 20 years. It used to be a real happening place but now everyone is moving out and there aren't a lot of people left. Some people refuse to leave their farms but they can't make a living that way so they weave baskets and then bring them to the store to sell them, just to earn a little extra money. It was sad and inspiring at the same time. I love learning about different cultures and beliefs so I was glad we made the stop in Jamesport, Missouri and bought several loaves of bread (at $2 a loaf) and learned a little more about the Amish. Oh, and for the record, they do drive horse and buggies but they aren't opposed to drinking Dr. Pepper (we found some in the cup holders in the buggies if you can tell in this picture).

We made it to Nauvoo, Illinois that evening and went to a play put on by some service missionaries for the LDS church. It was fun - though hot and muggy.

Days Six and Seven:

These three days we spent in Nauvoo. What a cute, quaint town! Some of the sites are owned by the LDS Church and others by the Community of Christ church so it was fun to tour all the old homes and buildings and learn a little more about the early saints. They were so industrious! I was absolutely amazed at some of the things they created to help them multi-task (like a baby rocker/butter churner for example)

I think my two favorite experiences from this part of the trip was 1) The Trail of Hope and 2) the Nauvoo Temple. The Trail of Hope is a trail people can walk down Parley's Street. Every few feet there is a plaque with a quote on it. These quotes all come from journals of the early saints and reading them really gave me a greater appreciation for their sacrifices. It was significant that this trail went down Parley's street which is the street the saints took when they left Nauvoo for good. I couldn't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for them to spend four years building a community (everything built with their own hands) just to be asked to leave it all behind and walk away. When I got to the end of Parley's Street (the end of the trail) I turned around and looked back and it was almost as if I could see the saints in their loaded wagons walking towards me, leaving Nauvoo for the last time. That was probably the most spiritual experience I had. It was definitely one I hope to never forget.

This plaque made me pause. This particular day I had not been feeling well (cramps) and was being a complete baby about it. I read this sign and was immediately put to shame. If a woman can deliver a baby in a wagon after having just left her home and nearly all her possessions behind, then I can easily walk this trail with a few cramps. I am such a whimp!

We also did a session in the Nauvoo Temple. We didn't get to go into all the temples we visited, but we made a special effort to do this one. It was such a great experience as well. They even offered to take us down to see the baptistry (it's the biggest baptistry in any LDS Temple) and it was gorgeous! It was amazing how much time and effort went into re-recreating this temple to look EXACTLY like the original (the original was burned to the ground after the Saints fled Nauvoo). They even have the "Martyrdom line" on it - which is the line that shows how far the temple had been built up to the point of Joseph Smith's martyrdom.

Day Eight:
Our last stop before leaving Illinois was to Carthage to visit Carthage Jail. This was where Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were killed by a mob. They were in the upper room of the jail (in the jailers bedroom, in fact) when an angry mob burst through and began firing guns. Hyrum tried to hold the bedroom door shut to keep them out and he ended up with a bullet right through his face. Joseph then ran for the window but was shot upon reaching it and ended up falling to the ground below. Both were dead within minutes. Two others (John Taylor and Willard Richards) in the room survived and were witnesses of the event until the day they died. This was a somber experience and Ryan pointed out how weird it felt to be standing by a bullet laden door and the window the prophet fell from smiling for pictures. It was weird, but...we did it anyway. Unfortunately I don't have any of those pictures (Ryan took them on his camera), but I have one of us standing outside the jail. The top window is the one Joseph fell from, landing just by the well.

Nauvoo was simply amazing. I would recommend a visit to Nauvoo for anyone interested in Church history (or American history, for that matter). We showed our pictures and told our stories to Ryan's dad (who isn't LDS) and he was just as fascinated as we were. There is a LOT of history here and I wouldn't pass up on this trip if the opportunity presents itself for you to go.

But the trip still didn't end here! More to come in part III.

Ryan & Me: Chapter Eighteen

The Wedding: Part Two

Our wedding luncheon started at 1pm and it was held in the Kirtland Room of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. It is such a beautiful building and as soon as Ryan and I got engaged we both knew that was where we wanted our luncheon to be held. We had originally arranged to have the luncheon in the Bonneville Room but due to some unforeseen circumstances it had to be moved to the Kirtland Room about two weeks before the wedding. I was disappointed at first because it wasn't the room I originally wanted and that news isn't exactly something an already-stressed-out bride wants to hear! But I knew I just had to take things in stride and believe that it would all work out.

It did! The room ended up being the perfect size for the nearly 60 guests in attendance and the view was SO much better! The kids could not stop looking out the window at the temple!

That sight alone made the switch in rooms completely worth it to me. I wish I knew what was going on in their little heads but I'd like to think it was something along the lines of how they couldn't wait to go inside that temple someday!

That view also provided the perfect backdrop for our ring ceremony.

The luncheon actually started off with introductions. We went around the room and everyone introduced themselves and stated how they knew the bride or groom. We then ate a delicious meal before having the ring ceremony. Ryan and I decided very quickly that this was something we wanted to do, mainly for his family and the nieces and nephews - none of whom could go to the actual ceremony inside the temple. We asked his State President to do the ceremony for us and it was wonderful! He spoke a bit on temples and why they are so important to members of the LDS faith and then he spoke about the significance of rings and why we wear them on our left hands. I loved the whole thing! After that he had us exchange rings. It wasn't very long, six to seven minutes or so, but we loved it! Apparently we exchanged rings so fast that my two sisters trying to take pictures missed the entire ring exchange. This is the best shot we got*:


After the ring ceremony we ate dessert and then everyone was free to leave at their leisure. Many stuck around to chat with us for awhile which was nice! The whole thing was so nice and intimate. I was so grateful for all our family and friends who made the trip to be here. Some even came from as far away as Logan, Idaho and even Maryland, Arkansas and Texas! As I sat at the head table and looked around the room I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of love for everyone. The outpouring of love and support shown to both Ryan and me on our special day was almost more than my heart could take.

I think one of my favorite memories of the luncheon (other than what I've already mentioned) will be of my two year old nephew, who, while we were all eating lunch, would walk past the head table one person at a time and say "Hi". He'd walk up to Ryan's dad..."HI!"...then take one giant step forward to Ryan..."HI!"...then one more giant step to me..."HI!"...and then on to my parents. Then he'd run back and do it all over again! He also came up to show me his chapstick. I asked if I could borrow some and he said yes then ran around the table to me, pulled off the cap and rubbed it all over my lips and surrounding area! I have no idea who's chapstick that really was, but I'm still alive so I guess it was okay.

By about 3pm everyone had departed and so Ryan and I quickly changed and headed out to get ready for our next event, the reception!


*We did re-stage the ring exchange for photo purposes and I will insert a picture of that when I get one.

Feeling Grateful...

This post is a couple weeks late, but I guess late is better than never, right? Here are just a few things I have recently been grateful for:

1- Family. Ryan and I got to spend our first official holiday together as an engaged couple. We spent Thanksgiving with my family along with Ryan's dad who came with us. It was fun, as always. We ate a great meal, visited, played games. I have a rather large family and so it was a little overwhelming for Ryan's dad but it was so good to have him there celebrating with us.

2- The Gospel and the Temple. The day after Thanksgiving was a big day for Ryan. It was the day he chose to go through the temple and receive his endowment. He had reached the year anniversary of his baptism on the Sunday prior (the 20th). He didn't have any of his own family who could be there so he invited a few friends from his branch and any of my family who wanted to come. It was amazing to see just how much support Ryan always has and how much people love him. Everyone in my family who lived close enough was there, as well as some friends from his branch. It was such a special day for Ryan and I'm sure it was a day he will never forget. I am so grateful for the gospel and for the blessings we receive from going to the temple faithfully. Ryan is already anxious to go back and I definitely love that about him! I don't think I will ever have to worry about trying to drag him to the temple with me. He might be the one who ends up dragging me.

3- Guardian Angels. This one I feel especially grateful for at the moment because of my recent accident on the freeway. I am so grateful for those guardian angels who are put in our lives to protect us. I'm not just referring to me, but to all those on the freeway who somehow managed to avoid my out of control car. My sister called me the other night to tell me that she told a friend of hers that I was in an accident and after asking a few questions, he told her that he was on the freeway that night and I had actually almost hit him. He saw the whole thing and it completely freaked him out. My sister asked him if he swore at me and he said, "No. I actually felt like something like that was going to happen so I had moved into the fast lane right before." Then he told her that my tires were pointed one direction and I was sliding right towards him but then at the last second my car shot off in the other direction. So see...guardian angels all around. He even told her that there were so many cars on the freeway at that moment that he had no idea how I wasn't T-boned by another car. He was quite surprised to find out I had only hit one car. Truthfully, I still have no idea how I got out of that one unscathed. I can only give credit to the one(s) watching out for me and the others who were on the road that night.

4- My health. Lately I feel like I have been falling apart. Stress tends to take a major toll on my physical well being and if it's not one thing wrong with me it's another. But despite the aches and pains that I've been enduring recently, I am gateful to know it's all just temporary and will go away when my stress level decreases. I really do have remarkable health and I am very grateful for that.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Fifteen

I'm sure many people assumed Ryan and I would immediately start dating the second he emerged from the water on his baptism day. Though I did feel like I could now date him, I still felt somewhat conflicted. I knew some of his family and friends had expressed concern to Ryan that they felt he was only joining the church for me. We both knew otherwise, but because of these concerns I was still very guarded. I didn't want to give anyone a reason to believe they were right when clearly they were wrong.

We did talk about things shortly after his baptism and we did decide to try dating though still not seriously. I had it in my mind that I wanted to date other people, even though Ryan made it very clear he did not. After a couple of months of doing that, I realized there wasn't anyone else I wanted to date so we made it "official" the beginning of January.

I won't say that our relationship has always been peaches and cream. We have definitely had our ups and our downs. But despite that, we know how to balance each other out and I think that is why we work so well. The only issue I ever had in regards to our relationship was the fact that I am slightly taller than him. You all might laugh in my face, but this was something that was quite difficult for me to overcome. The reason being, I have always been the tall one in my family. I'm taller than both my parents by an inch or more and all of my sisters by about four or five inches. Only my two brothers are taller than me. I have always felt like the giant when surrounded by my family and because of this I longed for a man who could make me feel small.

In the beginning of our relationship I always seemed to be concerned about what other people might be thinking if they saw us together. Would we look cute together? Or would we look like a really odd couple because I was the taller one? But the more time we spent together, the more I began to realize that I didn't think about it as much. I also began to pay more attention to other couples around us and I realized that there are many women who are taller than their boyfriends/husbands! It clearly wasn't as big a deal as I was making it.

Now with several months of dating under our belts, I can truthfully say that our difference in height doesn't bother me anymore. There are still some things that I won't do, like wear heels around him, and there are some things I still wish I could do, like bury my head in his chest when I'm crying. But in the grand scheme of things, none of that is important. Ryan may not be the tall guy I someday dreamed of dating but he is and does so much more than I ever dreamed of: he is always sensitive to my needs; he is patient; understanding; kind; willing to help others; he cooks; he cleans; he goes shopping with me; he goes to plays and ballets; he loves the Lord, he loves the gospel and, he loves me.

I never expected Ryan to become part of my life in this way. If you told me two years ago this would happen I would have laughed in your face. But I could not be more grateful or feel more blessed than I do right now. Short or not, Ryan is my perfect match. There is not another guy in the world who could deal with me and my split personalities as well as he does.

I don't know what the future holds for us yet but I am excited to find out.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Fourteen

From the time of Ryan's first discussion until his baptism, it was about three weeks . As I already mentioned, it wasn't always an easy three weeks but we got through it. I think one of his biggest concerns regarding his baptism was whether his family and his friends would be supportive. But even then, he never questioned his decision.

Saturday, November 20, 2010 was the day he picked to be baptized. His baptism was scheduled for 11:00am that morning. Everyone that was an important part of Ryan's life came out to support him, except for his dad. Though his dad did say he wouldn't stand in Ryan's way, he still felt he couldn't fully support his decision. But his sister and her family came as well as several of Ryan's closest friends. There were also people from his new branch there and people from my ward, along with some friends from work. In all there were about 60 people there that day. Seeing all those people there nearly brought tears to my eyes. Here Ryan had been worried he wouldn't have any support and now every seat in the room was taken. It was definitely a sight to behold. It was a special witness to me of just how special a person Ryan really is.

The service was very nice. Ryan was able to decide the program so he picked the speakers, the hymns, the prayers, etc. After he was baptized his Branch President asked him to stand and share his testimony, which he did. I can't recite his entire testimony, but the spirit was so strong. One thing that stood out to me was seeing how much faith he now had. It reminded me of that day he drove me home from work where he told me that he envied me for the faith I had because it was something he would never have. But now here he was, a short five months later, standing in front of all his friends and family, testifying of what he knew to be true. He was a completely different person and that moment was a testimony to me of just how much Heavenly Father really does love all His children and wants the best for them.

I don't know everything that Ryan was feeling that day, but I do know that he was full of peace and happiness. He knew he made the right decision and that his baptism was just the first step he would take in his new life. It has now been ten months since Ryan's baptism. Much has happened since then and I won't blog about all of it, but here is a summary of just a few important events in his life:

December 5, 2010: Ryan received the Aaronic Priesthood and was ordained a Priest.
March 20, 2011: Ryan received the Melchizedek Priesthood and was ordained an Elder
August 14, 2011: Ryan was called to be the 1st Counselor in the Elder's Quorum.

This calling wasn't his first. He started out as the Sacrament Coordinator, then became a Home Teaching District Leader before being called to be 1st counselor in the Elder's Quorum. I don't think either of us ever thought he'd hold three different callings within nine months of his baptism but it really wasn't a surprise to me. He is a natural leader; He sees what needs to be done and he gets it done. He also has one of the most willing hearts I have ever seen.

It has been an amazing ten months. I have absolutely loved watching his progress and seeing the person he is becoming. When I look at him now I can hardly see the person he used to be anymore. He has grown so much and (at the risk of sounding totally cliché) he makes me want to be better.

Ryan and me on his baptism day:

Ryan and Me: Chapter Thirteen

It took only one week after Ryan had received his own answer about Joseph Smith and had made the decision to meet with the missionaries, that chaos ensued. Well, I probably shouldn't call it chaos, but difficulties definitely arose. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of everything that happened, but here is the basic gist of it:

Saturday (one week after his answer): we got into a discussion about some things that left us both feeling slightly tense. We left each other that evening barely speaking.

Sunday: Ryan was supposed to go to church with me but due to the tension from the night before, he skipped out on me without even saying anything. This left me feeling slightly concerned so I tried to text him. I heard nothing from him the entire day.

Monday: Ryan came into my office to ask for something. I could tell something was still bothering him so I decided we should talk. He basically told me he didn't want me to go to his discussion with the missionaries that evening. That, along with what had gone down the previous two days caused me to feel hurt and betrayed. I felt like we just ran a marathon together, with me helping and encouraging him the entire way, and then with half a mile to go he just pushed me aside and said, "thanks, but I don't need you anymore." After a while of pondering this situation, however, I realized I had no right to feel that way so I tried to email him and explain that he was right and I shouldn't be there. I also expressed my happiness and excitement for him and wished him well with the discussion. I got a response back that I was not expecting. I'm not going to say anything about it other than it completely broke my heart and nearly cost us our friendship. The next few days were VERY rough for both of us.

Looking back on this entire experience, I still have no idea where many of our problems that week came from. It completely felt like the adversary was trying to get us to wage war on each other. Everything that could have gone wrong just about did. Even though we both went through many emotions and frustrations during this time, I think Ryan dealt with the brunt of it and he began to question just about everything. I'm sure his decision to convert to the LDS church was among those things he was questioning.

It is often said that the adversary will do everything in his power to stop God's work from progressing on this earth. Satan is the father of contention, fear, doubt, confusion and anger and he uses these feelings to keep us from doing what we feel is right. I cannot begin to tell you just how many of those feelings we both experienced in those four or five days. It took so much faith, determination and patience on our part to see it through when it would have been so easy for both of us to just walk away. I had to constantly remind myself that God would provide a way. I had to let go of my pride and selfishness and realize that Ryan did need to go through this part of his journey without me and I couldn't let his emotions affect my own. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do.

One night as I was writing in my journal, I penned these lines:

I feel like Satan is completely trying to drive a wedge between us but at the same time, I also feel like this is exactly what Ryan needs right now. This is his perfect "test" so to speak, to see if joining the church is really what he wants. With things being difficult between us and him possibly feeling like "us" will never happen, he has a good chance now of doing this for all the right reasons.

Despite how hard Satan worked in trying to destroy everything we had both worked so hard for, we still knew that we could not give up. Each night Ryan had a missionary discussion, I would sit at home and patiently wait for him to call me up and tell me how it went. They always went perfectly. I think it was during his 2nd discussion where he actually told the missionaries that he already believed it, was ready to be baptized and that they were just a formality. Hearing that brought a smile to my face because it was then that I knew for sure that the adversary would not win.

Ryan was ready.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve: (Note: This chapter is a bit lengthier than others but I wanted to keep the entire experience in one segment).

The day after Ryan and I had that conversation about him reading the Joseph Smith History, I had this thought to see if he would be interested in going downtown to see the movie "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". It plays at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and has done so for several years. The last time I had seen it was probably five or six years ago. Anyway, I decided to email Ryan and see if he would be interested in going. As I was typing up my email I noticed an email pop up from him. I opened it, began to read and was surprised to see what he had written. He asked me if I would be interested in going to see the Joseph Smith movie downtown. Apparently another friend of his had mentioned it to him and he thought it would be worth seeing.

So the next night, Saturday, October 23, 2010, we headed downtown to see this movie. We were probably two of fifteen in the entire theatre. Because it had been so long since I had seen the movie, I had forgotten much of it. I had also forgotten the power, the emotion, and the spirit of it. I don't think I have cried so much in a movie as I did that night. I was reminded by a feeling of calmness and peace, despite the pain and anguish I felt in my heart, that Joseph Smith truly was a prophet of God. What he witnessed that spring day in a grove of trees was real. Heavenly Father did, in fact, appear to him along with his Son Jesus Christ and over the course of several years, they restored their Gospel to the earth through Joseph. I honestly don't think Joseph would have gone through everything he did if it was all a lie. Why endure that kind of persecution for no reason? Everything I felt that night brought me back to the exact same conclusion...he was not making this up.

In fact, when the movie ended and after I grabbed a tissue on the way out to dry my tears, we headed back to the car. As we began the drive home I asked Ryan what he thought of it and he said he enjoyed it quite a bit. He also said he was starting to believe it. Then he mentioned two things that really stood out to me. First, he brought up a video clip of a conference talk I had him watch about a month or so ago by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland . In this video Elder Holland mentioned something about how Joseph would not have endured all that he did if it was all a lie. This kept coming to Ryan's mind as he was watching the movie. The second thing he mentioned was that there was no way that Joseph, having experienced the Vision first hand, could ever deny it. It really struck me that those would have been Ryan's thoughts upon watching the video because in the Joseph Smith History, Joseph himself says,

So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.

Joseph, having seen what he had, could not deny it. It was remarkable to me that Ryan would understand that so quickly.

The next day, Sunday, October 24, 2010, Ryan came to church with me. This wasn't the first time he had gone to church with me, but it was the first time he attended all three of the meetings (three hours is a long time for a newbie). He went to Priesthood meeting and then we sat through Sunday School together and then we went to Sacrament meeting. While we were waiting for Sacrament meeting to start we talked a little and he told me he really enjoyed Priesthood meeting because everyone was so friendly and welcoming. Then he paused a minute then said, "I had a very interesting experience in the middle of the night..."

I don't know why, but when he said that my mind immediately went to "middle of the night? Dreams..." *gasp*

"Did you have a vision?!?!?" I asked excitedly.

He laughed and said, "No, I didn't have a vision."

"Oh...well what happened?" I asked.

He then told me that he had woken up in the night feeling rather anxious about things but not sure why. He had a lot of doubt and confusion. He laid in bed contemplating the movie we saw that night about Joseph Smith and everything he went through. Then he remembered Moroni's promise in the Book of Mormon that if he prayed with a sincere heart, the truth would be revealed to him. So, he asked Heavenly Father if everything Joseph went through was true and if he were really charged with translating the Book of Mormon. He then said that almost immediately all his doubts and confusion washed away and he was left with an overwhelming feeling of peace and love that said to him, "Yes, it's all true!"

I could hardly contain my joy and excitement. I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Oh my gosh!" but alas, I was sitting in Sacrament meeting and had to maintain my composure and a spirit of reverence. I did manage to sit there as composed as possible but I could not stop the huge grin from spreading over my face, nor could I stop the "So you believe it?!?!?" question from bursting out of my mouth. He looked at me and nodded his head then said, "I think I need to meet with the missionaries."

After sacrament meeting I went straight up to my ward mission leader and asked him how we could go about introducing Ryan to the missionaries. And then not a minute later the missionaries walked right through the door! You can believe what you want, but to me that was not a coincidence.

So much joy filled my heart that day. Not for me, and not for "us", but for Ryan. I knew that his life had just changed forever and he would now have the opportunity to have that peace and happiness in his life that he had for so long seen in mine. I wanted nothing more for him; Heavenly Father wanted nothing more for him; and now it was within his reach. My testimony was strengthened that day because I had just received yet another witness, as Ryan had received his own, that Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers. That when we "ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto [us], by the power of the Holy Ghost."

Just like Joseph Smith would never deny that he saw God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ, neither can Ryan ever deny that his prayer was answered. And when times get tough, when "persecution" comes, he will always have that experience and that knowledge to lean on. But receiving his answer was not the end of this journey. The next few weeks would prove to be a remarkable test of faith thanks to our least favorite adversary.


*For anyone interested in learning more, I invite you to go to LDS.org and read the Joseph Smith History. You can find Moroni's promise at the end of the Book of Mormon in Moroni Chapter 10 verses 3-5. You can also view the full length video of "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration on YouTube. (Note: the video is an updated version of the one Ryan and I saw, but it is still just as powerful, emotional and spiritual as the original. I recommend it to all!)

Ryan and Me: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven:

From August to October not much changed in my friendship with Ryan. We continued to go on our long drives and have our long talks about my religion. He seemed to grab hold of some of my beliefs, like that of eternal marriage and eternal families. He loved the idea of being able to be with his family beyond this life. To him that was a beautiful concept. But there were still things that seemed to bother him too, like the belief that God has a plan for each of us. To him that felt like predestination and he didn't like that idea because it made him feel like it didn't matter what he chose to do in this life because his future was already chosen for him. I assured him that was not the case. Heavenly Father did have a plan for him but only he could choose if he wanted to be guided down that path. Heavenly Father would not, in any way, force his hand and make him do anything he didn't want to do. Ryan would always have a choice.

At other times we would discuss the Book of Mormon and even though he said he thought it was an interesting book he still wasn't sure whether he believed it. To him it just seemed like a really good story. But I'll never forget the times where I felt impressed to share certain passages from it, such as the stories of Enos and Alma the Younger. After each of those moments Ryan would sit there and then say, "What made you share that particular passage with me?" And then he'd thank me for doing so. Those moments would always give me so much hope but then somehow it always seemed to come back to "it's a good story but I just don't know if I believe it."

Then there was the night we sat at his house for hours and talked. I tried to share with him the story of Joseph Smith's first vision. It was the first time I had ever shared that story with someone not of my faith and I have to admit, I was nervous. It felt like I couldn't say what I really wanted to say. I stumbled over my words, I even laughed a time or two at what was coming out of my mouth. The story sounded ridiculous! For the first time I completely understood why someone wouldn't believe it. A 14 year old boy went into a grove of trees to pray and he saw God and Jesus Christ? In person? Yes. But because it sounded crazy coming out of my mouth, I had serious fears that Ryan was simply laughing inside and thinking I was a nut job for believing it. I finally stopped and said something like, "I'm sorry. I can't really express what I'm trying to say. This all sounds so crazy." And then much to my surprise, Ryan looked at me and basically said that it didn't sound crazy at all and it made complete sense to him. Right then I learned a very valuable lesson: even when we don't feel like we're saying the right thing or making any sense, it's okay because the Spirit is the one doing the teaching. The Spirit will make sense of the babble coming from our mouths and will touch the other person's heart. All that is required of us is to open our mouth.

These kinds of conversations continued. Ryan asked a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. There were times when I didn't know an answer and would have to tell him I'd research it and get back to him. I would go home those nights and I would not sleep until I had found the answers to his questions. I loved these moments the most because not only was I teaching him, but I was learning for myself. I learned and grew so much during this time. I'm not sure Ryan even knew how much his inquiries helped strengthen my own testimony.

Each of these conversations had some kind of impact on Ryan but one of the most defining moments of Ryan's spiritual journey came on October 21, 2010. We had taken one of our long drives and ended up at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. I could tell something was off with him but I couldn't really tell what so I didn't say anything at first. After a few minutes he began to tell me that he was worried that his feelings for me were interfering with his decision to investigate the church. So it seemed my biggest concern and the one I tried my hardest to avoid, was coming true after all. We discussed it at length and ultimately I told him I would do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to do this on his own, I would support that decision. It certainly wasn't something I wanted, but for him I was willing to do it. But even through this discussion I had this overwhelming feeling inside that I needed to be more direct with him in regards to the church. I knew that he had to come to a decision on his own but with Ryan it was difficult because he would start to go one direction and then do a complete 180. I never knew exactly what he was thinking or feeling. Now I felt I could no longer worry about being too pushy. I had to know where he stood. So I asked him if he believed any of it. He said there were some aspects he agreed with and believes in but he doesn't believe all of it. I then told him we had to start at the beginning.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Do you believe the Book of Mormon is the word of God?"

"No."

"Do you believe Joseph Smith is a prophet of God?"

"No."

Despite the sadness I felt in my heart, at least now I knew where he stood. I took a breath and continued.

"It has to start right there. If you don't believe that, none else matters."

I then explained that the rest of my beliefs wouldn't make any sense if he didn't believe in Joseph Smith. I then asked him if he knew the Joseph Smith story (knowing I had already tried to explain it to him once before) and he relayed to me what he knew of the First Vision. When he finished I looked at him and said, "Do you believe anything you just said?" He didn't seem to understand the question so I asked again, "Do you believe anything that just came out of your mouth?" and he said, "Well, I feel like I can relate to what he went through in search for truth because I'm going through it." "So", I said, "you believe it could have happened?" He then told me he believed it.

At that point I told him that he needed to read the entire Joseph Smith History and then pray about it. He told me that he would and then laughed and said "Maybe I should have started with this". That hit me. I couldn't believe that during all those months of conversations, I never once had him read anything about the First Vision. I felt horrible, but then I remembered that I was just trying not to be pushy. It became apparent to me that night, however, that sometimes Ryan does need a gentle push. But interestingly enough, that push didn't really come from me. I acted only in the way I felt I needed to. If I didn't have that feeling to do so, I don't think I would have done it.

Before I got out of his car that night I took his iPhone, pulled up the Gospel Library, opened to the Joseph Smith History then left it there so it would be the first thing he saw the next time he picked up his phone. Then I went inside feeling hopeful that this would be the turning point of his conversion.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Ten

My friendship with Ryan proved to be more dynamic than most friendships. It was obvious that we were closer to each other than two people would be who were "just friends". With us, there were obvious signs of attraction as well as a strong desire on both our parts to be more than friends. Because I was so stubborn and wouldn't allow the two of us to date, we did the best we could to maintain our friendship. But this was where the challenge came because while I maintained we could only be friends on the outside, I obviously felt more than that on the inside. And because of that, I was often harder on him than I should have been. I expected so much more of him than anyone would expect of someone who was just a friend. In my mind I still saw him for who he truly had the potential to be and because of that, I expected him to act as such.

This brings to mind one very defining moment in our relationship. It occurred on August 4, 2010. I had had a very difficult day at work. I did run into Ryan a few times and each time we did I would have this thought to talk with him. But we never really did. We'd say hello in passing and a quick "how are you?" but nothing very extensive. It wasn't until after work that I really felt like I should talk to him so I sent him a text. I thought I could go over to his house and visit for a bit. But it turned out that he had had a really bad day too. I asked him if he wanted me to come over and chat for a bit and he said the one thing I never, ever wanted to hear.

"I'd love for you to come over but I've had a few drinks and probably won't be the best company."

Now, I knew that Ryan was a drinker so it wasn't really a surprise to me that he would choose to have a drink or two after having a bad day. But for some reason this completely threw me off guard. I had had a bad day and could have used a friend. Not a drunk one though. He had had a bad day and even though he said he wanted to call me, he didn't want to be a burden. So instead of turning to me for help he did what he always did...he turned to the bottle. Even though I probably had no right to, I felt hurt. He told me I could still go over but of course I said I'd go another time. He felt I hated him for the choice he made. I told him that I didn't hate him but I was disappointed. I would have prefered he called me instead of turning to alcohol.

All in all the night didn't go how I had planned at all. I ended up crying much of the night. I felt so conflicted. Part of me wanted to go over there anyway to be the friend that he needed but the other part of me felt like he had already made his choice and I couldn't be there to tell him it would be okay when clearly it wasn't okay. I couldn't support him in making a choice I felt was wrong. I just couldn't. So I turned to Heavenly Father and asked Him to be there for Ryan because I just couldn't do it. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that I was expecting too much from Ryan. I didn't judge him for the choice he made. I knew it wouldn't affect our friendship. But at the same time, I knew he had the potential to be so much better than that. And because of that I expected so much more of him.

Over the course of the next couple of days we did have a chance to talk about it. He told me he had dumped the rest of his alcohol down the drain because he realized his drinking was now affecting more than just him. Just like that he gave it up. I have never been more happy or more proud of him than I was upon hearing that. Now he really had the chance to become that person I always knew and believed he could be.

Ryan did have one more drink after our conversation when he went out to dinner with a friend. That was on August 12, 2010. As of today, August 13, 2011, Ryan has been alcohol free for exactly one year. I am so proud of him for this choice that he made and it has been such a blessing for me to see how far he has come in such a short amount of time.

Once Ryan gave up the alcohol, he began doing other "30 day challenges" just to see if he could challenge himself to go without something. The logic behind this is that after doing something for 30 days it becomes a habit. He went 30 days without watching any R-rated movies. To my knowledge he hasn't watched one since. He went 30 days without drinking coffee. He has had one since but that was nearly 10 months ago. He stopped swearing as well. The transformation that has taken place in him is almost impossible for me to describe. Some people say that I had a big part in bringing about this change. Perhaps to an extent that is true. But Ryan is the one who made these choices. He is the one who went through it all. He was ready and willing to make these changes in his life and he did it. He had the desire to do it. No matter how difficult and challenging it was to give up so many things he had grown accustomed to, he had that faith, patience and determination to see it through. All I did was be there to encourage and support.

It is important to also note that all these changes were made by Ryan because he wanted to better his life and these were simply steps that would take him that direction. He saw my example and wondered if he could live the same way. These changes were made before he really began to feel a change of heart toward my religious beliefs. In a way I guess you could say that Heavenly Father was preparing him before he even realized it.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Nine

Even though the conversations about my religion continued as time went on, it seemed the conversations about our friendship and dating did as well. Over the 24th of July weekend, my sister and I made plans to go to Jackson Hole, WY to see her friend who was in a play and I invited Ryan to come along. Things seemed to be going well at first, until the moment we were walking down the street in the center of town and he reached for my hand. Once again, I had to pull away. He asked if there was a problem and I said we would talk about it later.

That was not how I had planned for things to go. Here we were on vacation and I now had to ruin it by telling him, again, that I wasn't ready to take our relationship to that level. Part of me didn't want to say anything until we got back home but I knew it would just make things awkward if we didn't talk about it. Before the play started Ryan had been sitting outside by himself, obviously frustrated with what had happened earlier, so I left my sister and went out to talk to him. I explained, again, that I just wasn't ready to take that step. I couldn't date someone I couldn't potentially marry in the temple. The conversation left him a little upset and it took awhile for us to act normal around each other again. But we eventually got through it and the weekend turned out to be really fun.

About a week or so after that we went on another drive together. We had planned to go hiking but then decided that in order to have a more indepth conversation we needed to do something a little less strenuous. So we drove over to Draper and then took a 5 mile walk. We again ended up talking about our relationship. Ryan was trying so hard to understand where I was coming from but it was difficult. He told me about a conversation he had with his dad and his dad basically told him not to waste his time. Neither of them could understand why anyone would turn down a relationship that had the potential to be great just because the other person wasn't of their same faith. I didn't know how else to explain it in a way that he would understand. He said part of him wanted to listen to his dad and just walk away from it, but the other part of him felt like he needed to be patient.

Then on August 17th when we were hanging out I could tell something was up with him. It took awhile for him to talk about it but he eventually told me he felt he was becoming too attached. We ended up talking about it for quite awhile. I told him I understood and that if it was too hard for him and we needed to back off, I would do that. It tore me up inside but I knew I had no right to put him through what he was going through. That night upon returning home, I jotted these feelings down in my journal:

"...It's not that I don't want things to progress, it's just that right now they can't. I was very straight with him and I think I hit him with a knife through the heart a time or two but at least now there is no question as to where I stand. I can't allow myself to wish and hope when I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I mean there is always hope, but I still have to remain focused on now..."

Unless someone has been through an experience like this, they probably can't understand how hard it is. I felt like I was being so cold & heartless with Ryan, but I knew that with him I had to be strong. I couldn't allow my feelings for him to overpower my decision to only date someone I could marry. Looking back, it is amazing for me to see how Ryan continued to remain so patient when I gave him every reason to walk away. I am now so grateful that he stuck with it. I knew the risk I was taking by always telling him no. I was fully aware that he could walk away at any minute and I would have lost my chance. I know we both shed many tears into our pillows at night because neither of us could have what we wanted. It was so hard! But I believe that those moments, as trying as they were, are exactly what got us to where we are now. We can get through any trial together. It doesn't matter how big or small that trial is; it doesn't matter how many words of frustration are spoken; it doesn't matter how many tears are shed. We know that no matter what comes our way, we can get through it. I believe we owe that to how hard we had to work to build our friendship in the beginning. Our relationship was something that neither of us felt we could walk way from but at the same time it was also something we really had to work for. To this day we still sometimes say, "It shouldn't be this hard." But you know what, sometimes it is. Relationships are a constant test of our patience, our faith, and our determination. Sometimes they may be more of a challenge than we would like but even then we usually come out of those moments stronger than we were before.

These conversations eventually eased up a bit though they never completely stopped. It was still something that proved to be frustrating at times, but for the most part we tried to keep our focus more on the friendship we did have rather than on the relationship we couldn't have. This was good because it allowed us to focus more on Ryan and his search for the truth. My internal dilemma still continued to surface though: was Ryan showing interest in my faith because he wanted to believe it or was he doing it simply to date me? This would be something that would weigh heavily on my mind for the next few months as our conversations and our friendship continued.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Eight

As time went on Ryan and I continued to email extensively. On July 30th, he sent me an email and in it he explained to me why he considered himself to be "agnostic theist", which is someone who believes in God but admits to having no definitive knowledge of his existence. He then went on to explain that this is why he has been "subjecting" himself to all kinds of books: scientific, philosophical, etc. In reading them he hoped to find the answers he was looking for. He even mentioned that he also downloaded the Bible to his iPhone.

After reading that email I knew that this was my opportunity to ask him to read the Book of Mormon, but I was so nervous to say anything. I didn't want him to feel, in any way, that I was pushing my beliefs on him. But I took a death breath, gathered my courage, and started to type. Here is some of what I said to him:

I am going to say something now and I hesitate slightly because I'm not sure what your reaction will be but...I think that as long as you are "subjecting" yourself to these different books, I wonder if maybe you could "subject" yourself to the Book of Mormon as well? I would like you to read it. Now before you get your panties in a bunch, I am not trying to push anything on you here. All I'm saying is that it is a religious text, much like the Bible, and just like any book on science or philosophy, it could also offer you additional insight into the existence of God. I'm not asking you to believe it, I'm just asking you to open your heart/mind to it in the same way that you have opened your heart/mind to the other books you have been reading. But it's just a suggestion. Please don't hate me for suggesting it. :)

I eventually sent the email and then I waited. I kept praying, "Please don't let him be upset" or something along those lines. I was so worried that he would feel I was being pushy. It turned out, however, that I completely underestimated just how open-minded Ryan really was. Within about 30 minutes I had a reply:

First off, don't worry about suggesting the Book of Mormon to me. I forgot to mention that I actually downloaded a copy of it to my iPhone as well. As I have stated, I am open now to all interpretations so it would be folly for me to discount its relevance...

Wait...what?!?! He "forgot" to mention he already downloaded the Book of Mormon to his iPhone? How does someone just "forget" to mention that? Well, I asked him. And I asked him exactly that way. He just laughed at me and said something about how he really did forget. All those nerve wracking minutes I went through and for what? He had it on his phone that whole time!Well, despite the fact that he put me through that for no reason, I was still so happy that he had done it! He did it all on his own and that was a very good sign! I couldn't wait for him to start reading it.

The next day, July 31st, Ryan and I hung out. After he dropped me off at my house he came in and we talked a little bit. He ended up downloading the entire LDS Gospel Library onto his iPhone. He then told me that he didn't like reading the Book of Mormon on his iPhone so he was going to wait to read it until he could get a hard copy. "Oh", I said, "I happen to have one upstairs!" Then I ran upstairs and got it and brought it down and handed it to him. I don't think he was really expecting that, but at least I knew he now had no more excuses. He said he'd read it and there it was sitting in his hands. Now all I could do was wait and see if he would actually follow through.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Those first two times Ryan and I hung out were a lot of fun, but it was interesting to me that for the first few months of our friendship, we rarely went out and did stuff. There were no expensive dinners, no movies, etc. What we did do, however, was drive. We would get in his car and drive for hours. And the entire time we were driving, we would talk. I can't say enough good things about what those long drives and lengthy conversations did not only for me, but for Ryan. This was where we really, really, got to know each other. With each drive our friendship grew even stronger. It was also where we had many of our conversations about my religion.

The first of these many long drives occurred on July 8, 2010. This drive took us out to all the places he grew up (his childhood house, his elementary school, etc) and then to all the places I grew up. We basically drove all around the Salt Lake valley talking about our upbringings and how we came to be where we were now. There wasn't a lot of religious talk on this drive but at one point he did tell me he was reading a new book about the creation from a 4th dimensional viewpoint. It made absolutely no sense to me but what caught my attention was when he said, "I'm searching for the truth and I'll look to wherever I can find it."

I really wanted to say something right then but I held my tongue. I had already told him I wouldn't push my beliefs on him and so now I felt scared to say anything at all. I let it go, but in my heart I was glad he was at least searching for the truth and I hoped I would get another opportunity to talk to him about it.

When we got home that night I wrote this in my journal:

I still worry about becoming too attached. But at the same time, I want nothing more...We fit together so perfectly. But we all know what needs to happen for anything between us to happen. Can my faith move this mountain? Time will tell.

I don't think I realized even then just how difficult it would be for me to keep my distance and only allow myself to be friends with him. I felt so conflicted and I worried that my feelings for him would interfere with what I knew I had to do. I couldn't try and convert him because I wanted to date him. I prayed so much during this time and Heavenly Father gave me so much strength. I know I could not have done any of this without His help.

We went on another drive a few nights later, July 15th, and here I began to notice just how much Ryan did like me. He tried three times to grab my hand and all three times I had to pull away. I felt like I had to make it clear that this wasn't something I could pursue right now. We somehow got on the topic of dating and relationships - probably because I felt he needed to better understand where I stood - and he asked me if I had any requirements in the guys I date.

"Requirements? Not really. Except for the fact that he (the guy I marry) has to be LDS because I will only marry in the temple."

Have you ever tried explaining that to someone who doesn't understand? I think he tried really hard to understand, for my sake, but I'm sure he was extremely frustrated at the same time. Here he was trying to show me how much he cares about me and I was rejecting him. Not because I wanted to but because I knew I had to. It was so hard.

He never gave up though. That night at the end of our drive he asked if we could drive out to one of the temples. We ended up driving over to the Jordan River Temple where we sat in the parking lot and talked awhile. He stared at the temple very intently for quite some time then suggested that maybe we could drive to all the other temples I hadn't been to yet. I told him I would love to but I wouldn't only want to drive by, I would want to go inside as well. He made some comment about him not having the right membership to go inside and I said, "Well, not yet. But maybe someday." I had so much faith in him. I saw his potential - the person Heavenly Father knew he could be - and because of that, I knew I could not give up either.

I noticed that Ryan didn't stop looking at the temple as we drove out that night and I had wished I could have known what he was thinking at that moment. I could only hope that someday I would get the chance to ask.

That chance came six days later on July 21st. He had sent me an email during the day asking me what we do in temples. Due to the sacred nature of temples I couldn't give him specifics, but I did give him an idea of the ordinances we perform: Baptisms for the dead, marriage sealings, etc. That night we took another drive, this time to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. He seemed to be so fascinated with the temples all of a sudden. While we sat in the parking lot of the Qquirrh Mountain Temple and talked, I couldn't help but notice again how intently he looked at it. I could tell the wheels were turning in his mind so I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, "Well, not that I could be someone else but maybe what it would be like if the situation were different." Then a few seconds later he chuckled and said "I'm not sure I could ever give up coffee!"

I smiled and told him that if this were the path he wanted to take, he could give it up. He just had to want it. I was pleased to see he was at least thinking about it even though I couldn't really express that. I still worried that he was only considering these things for me and I wanted him to be sure he was considering them for himself. Because of that, I often kept my feelings of happiness and excitement to myself.

But as excited as I was that he was starting to ask questions as well as trying to better understand my feelings regarding the importance of temples, I soon found that these conversations would not be the last that we would have on this subject. I also found that he didn't easily take no for an answer.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Six

Editor's Note: The next few chapters will cover the time period where Ryan and I hung out as friends outside of work. I obviously won't be able to share every detail of what we did or every detail of the many conversations that we had, but my hope is that I can share that which was (to me at least) the most pertinent to his spiritual journey and the feelings I was having through it all.

Chapter Six

The first time Ryan and I hung out, outside of work, was on July 3, 2010. He had invited me to go hiking with him up the Bells Canyon trail. That morning, however, I wasn't feeling remarkably well. In my attempt to think of an alternate plan just in case I couldn't do a strenuous hike, the idea popped into my head to go to Silver Lake. So when Ryan came to my house to pick me up, I told him I wasn't feeling well and asked if we could alter our plans. True to his easy-going nature, he said that wouldn't be a problem at all. I asked if he'd ever been to Silver Lake before and he said no, so off we went to enjoy our very first adventure together.

Due to being a holiday weekend the lake was quite crowded, but we still managed to walk two laps around the lake before finding a bench in the cool shade to sit on for a bit. During this brief pause we talked more about each other. It was at this point that I told him that if he really wanted to get to know me, my religion would get brought up on occasion because it is a huge part of who I am. I also told him, however, that I would never try and push it on him. He thanked me for that and said that is one thing that offends him most: pushy people. I told him again that I wouldn't push my beliefs on him, but at the same time, I wouldn't hide them from him either.

I knew this was going to be a challenge for me because I liked him and I wanted to date him. But I also knew I couldn't. I didn't want to "flirt to convert" as people like to say. I didn't want him to join the LDS faith simply because of me. I knew he had to want it for himself. That meant I would have to let him approach the topic with me in his own time and in his own way, knowing full well that he may never do it. And I had to be okay with that.

After our brief pause we continued our walk and it was then that I decided to invite him to go to Music and the Spoken Word with me the next day. My sister had called me earlier and suggested that I invite Ryan. She said he might enjoy it because it would be mostly patriotic songs instead of really churchy ones. So I took her suggestion and asked if he'd be interested in going. He hemmed and hawed for quite awhile. It actually took a couple hours of contemplation on his part before he eventually agreed to go.

The next day, Sunday, July 4th, he picked me up and the two of us went to Music and the Spoken Word, our second adventure together. I thought it was amazing! I had felt the Spirit so strongly and after it ended I kept hinting at how it had made me feel. I said something like, "Wow. I had to hold my hand over my heart just to keep it from popping out! I need to sit here for a minute and let this feeling sink in." Though I really did feel that way, my hope in telling him that was that he would recognize that same feeling in himself and say something. But instead all I got back was how he really liked the part in God Bless America where it crescendoed really loud. Right then I knew it was going to take a lot more patience on my part. This was something I couldn't rush.

Ryan and I ended our adventure to the Music and the Spoken Word with a walk atop the roof of the Conference Center. I had never been up there before and it was not only breathtaking, but absolutely serene. Neither of us could believe that it was possible to stand on top of a roof in a busy city and feel so much peace and hear nothing but the birds chirping and the wind blowing. Where was the sound of all that traffic zipping past us down below? It was a very spiritual experience for both of us in our own unique ways.

This past July 4th weekend we went back to Silver Lake and to Music and the Spoken Word to celebrate our first two adventures together - one year later. It was really fun to go back and re-live those moments and see not only how far Ryan has come but to also see how far we have come in our relationship as well.

But before we can talk about where we are now, we need to get back to how we got here. And we did that, quite literally, by driving.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Four

Chapter Four: The Lunchtime Visits

Around the same time that Ryan and I started emailing, the break room in my office underwent some remodeling. I would usually eat lunch in the break room but during this time I had to find another place to eat. The first couple of days I walked over to the Student Union and ate there, but I quickly found it much to noisy and distracting. I sometimes use my lunch break to work on preparing my Relief Society lessons so I needed a much quieter place to sit. Therefore, I ended up sitting under the stairs in the basement of my building at some tables by the soda machine. This spot just so happened to be right next to Ryan's office so on his way up or down the stairs he would stop to say hello.

During one of these visits, Ryan saw that I was working on something so he asked me what it was. I told him I was working on a lesson I had to teach for church. He asked me what it was on and I told him it was on the Atonement. He said he didn't know anything about the Atonement and then asked me what my argument for the Atonement was. How was I supposed to answer that? Here I was, sitting at a table under the stairs with people walking up and down and there he was, expecting me to just dive into religion with him. Seeing how close to my heart this subject is, I panicked. I didn't want to risk feeling like something I believe so strongly was going to be rejected. The fear and anxiety that arose in me was monstrous and I think the exact words out of my mouth were something like, "Uh, there really was one, it really happened and it's important."

Yup. That's what I said. And I'm pretty sure that wasn't the answer he was looking for. He looked at me for a second or two then kind of chuckled. I said, "Did you want to know more than that?" He replied, "Not if that's all you want to tell me." At that point the conversation changed and for the rest of the day I beat myself up over completely botching that opportunity. That night I think I said one of the most fervent prayers I've said in a long time. I explained what happened and then asked Heavenly Father to please give me another chance. I knew Ryan wasn't religious and the last thing I wanted to do was to pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable. I knew I couldn't just bring it up again. But if he brought it up again, I promised I would do my very best to explain it to him in a way he could hopefully understand.

An opportunity to revisit the Atonement discussion never came, but I did end up writing my testimony of it here on my blog and then I sent him an email with a link to it. That was all that was ever said about that, but it was not the last time we would discuss religion or my faith.

Those lunch time visits only lasted about three weeks and then I headed back to the office break room. I still continue to be amazed, however, at the timing of those visits. What were the chances that I would need a new place to eat lunch within a week or two of Ryan and I becoming better acquainted? I didn't plan for that to happen but I am very grateful that it did. These visits were the perfect opportunities for us to talk during work and get to know each other better. We had many conversations at that table under the stairs and between those as well as the emails we sent back and forth, Ryan and I were well on our way to building an amazing friendship.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Two

Editor's Note: The next three chapters are going to consist of the different ways in which I attempted to get to know Ryan better: "chance encounters", email, and lunch time visits. With each, I will share a few moments that stand out to me as being the most significant, since I obviously can't share everything. I figured that breaking each down into smaller posts would make it easier to read and follow. I will try to keep everything as chronological as possible, but there may be some slight overlap in using this format.

Chapter Two: The "chance encounters"

For a few years Ryan's office was right next door to mine and we probably saw each other in the hallway only a few times a month. Now that his office moved down to the other end of the hallway it seemed as though we ran into each other less frequently. Therefore, I knew I had to go to drastic measures if I wanted more opportunities to talk to him. Over the next couple of weeks I went out of my way to bump into Ryan where ever I could.

The Monday following the Friday in which he came and fixed my computer is the first "chance encounter" we had. I had to run up to the 2nd floor from my basement office. Instead of taking the stairs closest to my office, I had the thought to take the stairs on the other end of the hall closest to Ryan's office. As I turned from the hallway to head up the stairs, there he was trotting down the stairs. He stopped me and asked how my weekend was and we ended up talking for 20 minutes. I learned about what he was majoring in, where he lived, what bus he rode to work, what languages he wanted to learn, and that he loves to sit outside and read. At that point I actually noticed a book in his hand so I asked him what he was reading. Almost embarrassedly he moved the book closer to his side and said, "Oh, nothing you'd be interested in."

I don't know about any of you, but when someone says something like that to me, it makes me even more curious to know what it is. So I pressed the issue. "What? Why? What is it?" I asked, all the while looking at the book trying to get a glimpse of the title. He finally turned the book toward me and showed me the title: Godless. Not knowing quite what to say, I simply nodded my head and said, "Hmmm...interesting." He then said, "It's about Atheism".

"So he's an atheist then?" I thought to myself. But before I could actually ask the question, he changed the subject. That moment never left my mind though. I felt like I had my answer as far as religion went. I hadn't thought he was LDS but now I knew for sure he wasn't. I didn't know exactly what to make of that. This newfound knowledge of his faith - or lack thereof - still never thwarted my plans to get to know him better. If anything, it made me want to become his friend even more. I didn't want to sit him down and tell him he was wrong to not believe in God (if, in fact, he didn't). But I did want him to feel like he could talk to me without feeling like he would be judged or ridiculed. I didn't want him to feel like he had to hide his books from me or change the subject every time faith or religion got brought up. So, even though I now definitely knew I could never date him, I also knew I could not give up on him. Perhaps he was searching for something he felt was missing in his life. If so, then I needed to be there for him.

After that initial "chance encounter", I still continued to go out of my way to run into him. Sometimes it worked but most often it didn't. I found that the harder I tried to run into him, the less often I did. Instead, our "chance encounters" actually ended up being exactly that - chance encounters. It seemed I was constantly running into him whenever I didn't plan to: while out taking my morning walks, passing down the hall in the Student Union, etc. For two or three weeks this kept happening. And each time it did, it gave us more time to talk and get to know each other better.

Playing Catch-Up...

I know, I know, I am the worst blogger ever! It isn't that I don't have anything to blog about, it's just that I can't seem to find any time to do it. So, while I happen to have a spare minute, here is what's been going on in my world. Sorry there are no pictures, I will try to include some later.

June 2nd I went to Les Mis with my parents and two of my sisters. After getting tickets a year ago, the time had finally come! It was the first time I have seen that play and though it does contain some material I didn't much care for, I thought the production was amazing! The acting, the singing, the staging and the costumes were all superb! We did have twenty minutes of technical difficulties which made the show seem extra long, but it was completely worth it to me. It's definitely one I would love to see again! Now I must patiently wait until September when I get to go see Mary Poppins!

June 4th was my niece's baptism. I can't believe she is already 8 years old. I was so glad she lives close enough that I could go celebrate her day with her! I was also able to take my boyfriend Ryan with me and he was able to stand in the circle when she was confirmed. He is a recent convert to the LDS Church* and this was the first opportunity he has had to use his Melchizedek Priesthood. What an amazing opportunity for him. I am so proud of him for how hard he has worked this past year to be worthy of that opportunity.

June 11th I went to the West Valley Symphony concert with Ryan. His dad composed a song that the orchestra decided to play. It was fun to go support his dad and hear his composition, which was awesome! They did an amazing job and it was also fun to see a co-worker of ours who plays with the orchestra.

June 12th was Father's Day for my family. My parents went to Arkansas over Father's Day weekend because a nephew of mine turned 12 and was being ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood. So, we celebrated early! What a fun night it was with my family to honor the men in our lives who have made such an impact on us. My dad is such a great example to me in so many ways. I credit much of who I am today to the man that he is.

June 15th I ran 2/3 of a mile! That was without stopping. In all I ran 1.5 miles and walked 1.5 miles. That may not seem blog worthy to any of you, but I am not a runner and I have been working hard at being able to run a 5K this summer. I don't think I'll be able to run the entire thing, but if I can at least run a mile without having to stop I will be happy! :)

June 16th I went to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Pre-tour concert at the Tabernacle. The choir left on tour this morning at 3am and will be back East performing until June 27th. They put on a pre-tour concert for family and friends of the choir and so I went with Ryan to support my sister who sings in the choir. It was an amazing show! Every song they sang was perfect. Their arrangement of Come, Come Ye Saints had me in tears it was so powerful and so moving. I am grateful I was able to attend that concert and that they were willing to use one of their rehearsal nights to perform for us.

June 18th I went to Lagoon with Ryan and two of my sisters. Why is it that I can easily handle three days at Disneyland but nine hours at Lagoon about kills me? My feet were so sore, my throat was nearly hoarse from screaming and my entire body felt exhausted. It made me feel old. But, it was still an awesome day and the weather could not have been more perfect! It has been about four or five years since I had been to Lagoon and it brought back a lot of fun memories. Definitely a fun, fun day!

Well, those are the main things I can think of to talk about. Everything else I have done is probably not that blog worthy. I'm sure some of you might be curious to know more about Ryan and me. Some of you have asked me about it already and I thank you for taking an interest! It's a very interesting story that happened quite unexpectedly. Now that it's been one year since the story began, I will try and blog about it for the rest of you as long as there is ample interest in the topic. Just realize that since I haven't blogged about any of it for a year it will most likely take multiple installments to tell the entire story.


*Today, June 20th, marks the seven month anniversary of Ryan's baptism as well as the three month anniversary of receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood. More to come on that.