Ryan and Me: Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Those first two times Ryan and I hung out were a lot of fun, but it was interesting to me that for the first few months of our friendship, we rarely went out and did stuff. There were no expensive dinners, no movies, etc. What we did do, however, was drive. We would get in his car and drive for hours. And the entire time we were driving, we would talk. I can't say enough good things about what those long drives and lengthy conversations did not only for me, but for Ryan. This was where we really, really, got to know each other. With each drive our friendship grew even stronger. It was also where we had many of our conversations about my religion.

The first of these many long drives occurred on July 8, 2010. This drive took us out to all the places he grew up (his childhood house, his elementary school, etc) and then to all the places I grew up. We basically drove all around the Salt Lake valley talking about our upbringings and how we came to be where we were now. There wasn't a lot of religious talk on this drive but at one point he did tell me he was reading a new book about the creation from a 4th dimensional viewpoint. It made absolutely no sense to me but what caught my attention was when he said, "I'm searching for the truth and I'll look to wherever I can find it."

I really wanted to say something right then but I held my tongue. I had already told him I wouldn't push my beliefs on him and so now I felt scared to say anything at all. I let it go, but in my heart I was glad he was at least searching for the truth and I hoped I would get another opportunity to talk to him about it.

When we got home that night I wrote this in my journal:

I still worry about becoming too attached. But at the same time, I want nothing more...We fit together so perfectly. But we all know what needs to happen for anything between us to happen. Can my faith move this mountain? Time will tell.

I don't think I realized even then just how difficult it would be for me to keep my distance and only allow myself to be friends with him. I felt so conflicted and I worried that my feelings for him would interfere with what I knew I had to do. I couldn't try and convert him because I wanted to date him. I prayed so much during this time and Heavenly Father gave me so much strength. I know I could not have done any of this without His help.

We went on another drive a few nights later, July 15th, and here I began to notice just how much Ryan did like me. He tried three times to grab my hand and all three times I had to pull away. I felt like I had to make it clear that this wasn't something I could pursue right now. We somehow got on the topic of dating and relationships - probably because I felt he needed to better understand where I stood - and he asked me if I had any requirements in the guys I date.

"Requirements? Not really. Except for the fact that he (the guy I marry) has to be LDS because I will only marry in the temple."

Have you ever tried explaining that to someone who doesn't understand? I think he tried really hard to understand, for my sake, but I'm sure he was extremely frustrated at the same time. Here he was trying to show me how much he cares about me and I was rejecting him. Not because I wanted to but because I knew I had to. It was so hard.

He never gave up though. That night at the end of our drive he asked if we could drive out to one of the temples. We ended up driving over to the Jordan River Temple where we sat in the parking lot and talked awhile. He stared at the temple very intently for quite some time then suggested that maybe we could drive to all the other temples I hadn't been to yet. I told him I would love to but I wouldn't only want to drive by, I would want to go inside as well. He made some comment about him not having the right membership to go inside and I said, "Well, not yet. But maybe someday." I had so much faith in him. I saw his potential - the person Heavenly Father knew he could be - and because of that, I knew I could not give up either.

I noticed that Ryan didn't stop looking at the temple as we drove out that night and I had wished I could have known what he was thinking at that moment. I could only hope that someday I would get the chance to ask.

That chance came six days later on July 21st. He had sent me an email during the day asking me what we do in temples. Due to the sacred nature of temples I couldn't give him specifics, but I did give him an idea of the ordinances we perform: Baptisms for the dead, marriage sealings, etc. That night we took another drive, this time to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. He seemed to be so fascinated with the temples all of a sudden. While we sat in the parking lot of the Qquirrh Mountain Temple and talked, I couldn't help but notice again how intently he looked at it. I could tell the wheels were turning in his mind so I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, "Well, not that I could be someone else but maybe what it would be like if the situation were different." Then a few seconds later he chuckled and said "I'm not sure I could ever give up coffee!"

I smiled and told him that if this were the path he wanted to take, he could give it up. He just had to want it. I was pleased to see he was at least thinking about it even though I couldn't really express that. I still worried that he was only considering these things for me and I wanted him to be sure he was considering them for himself. Because of that, I often kept my feelings of happiness and excitement to myself.

But as excited as I was that he was starting to ask questions as well as trying to better understand my feelings regarding the importance of temples, I soon found that these conversations would not be the last that we would have on this subject. I also found that he didn't easily take no for an answer.