Letting Go...

On Tuesday, January 22, 2013, after three months of being in a hospital or care facility on a ventilator, Ryan's dad passed away.  That weekend (Saturday - Monday) he ended up in the ER three separate times due to low oxygenation issues as well as needing a blood transfusion.  On the 3rd visit the ER doctor called Ryan and said they found a bleed in his GI tract and wanted to know how to proceed.  Cliff had told us that he didn't want any heroic measures to be taken to save him (such as if his heart gave out, etc) and since he could no longer communicate with us it came time for Ryan and his siblings to make a decision. If he was bleeding internally they would have to do intensive testing to figure out where exactly the bleed was. They may also have to do surgery to repair it.  In addition to the bleed the ER doctor also told us that he had a high buildup of carbon dioxide in his system (which possibly could have been contributing to his loss of responsiveness the past couple of weeks) and they had to put his ventilator settings on the highest settings to push that poison out of his system.

The goal at the beginning of this journey three months ago was to get Cliff off the ventilator and breathing on his own again but there was no possible way they could begin to wean him off if his body continued to required it. We knew at this point he couldn't breath on his own and it seemed that his body was slowly beginning to shut down.  So on Monday, January 21st, Ryan met with the doctors and his siblings and it was decided that the best thing to do was to let him go.

Though I say that was the best thing to do, that does not mean it was the easiest thing to do. Having to make the decision to end life support is very difficult. But Ryan and I and his siblings felt at peace with the decision and believed that it was what Cliff would want if he had to make the decision himself.  So the decision was made.  Ryan and his sister contacted Cliff's pastor and several of his friends and told them the situation.  Between Monday evening and Tuesday evening he had several visitors to his room who all wanted to say their goodbyes.  It was heartbreaking to see them with tears in their eyes as they expressed their love for him and said goodbye. A few of them told us they didn't know how we were handling it so well.  I have never been so grateful for the gospel and the peace and strength the spirit brings in times such as this. It was the only thing that helped us handle it.

Ryan's brother flew in from California and the three of us sat with Cliff most of Tuesday.  He could no longer respond to us and we weren't even sure he knew we were there but we hoped he could feel of our love for him and hear us when we spoke.  By 6:30 Ryan's sister and husband came along with his Pastors and another dear friend.  The nurses then came in to explain to us what would take place.

At 6:45pm they gave him some Ativan to help calm and relax him

At 7:00pm they gave him some morphine. This was to help open his airway and give him the sensation that he was breathing. They explained to us that he would feel no pain and everything would be very calm and peaceful. They said it would be harder for us to watch than it would be for him. They said his breathing would not be sufficient but how long it took for him to pass depended on when his heart would give out. I really had to brace myself.

At 7:15pm they turned off all the alarms and then unplugged the ventilator from his throat.  We all gathered around his bedside and expressed our love for him. The Pastors said a prayer and we told him it was okay to take flight and return home and that we would be okay. After a couple of minutes we could see the color drain from his face. His breathing went from somewhat rapid (as if he were trying to catch his breath) to only breathing about once every 15-20 seconds.  We cried, we hugged, we prayed.

At 7:30 the nurse listened to his heart and then said "I am so sorry for your loss."  He was gone.

It is hard for me to explain that experience in words.  I had never been around death at any time in my life and I thought I would be so terrified to be in the same room with a person who had died. But even though this experience was heartbreaking, it wasn't terrifying.  It was peaceful.  I felt blessed to witness such a spiritual event.

A few minutes after Cliff had gone everyone had, for one reason or another, left the room and I was left in there by myself with his body.  I took a moment to thank him for raising such a wonderful son and I promised him again (he already made me promise a month or two ago) that I would take good care of Ryan and he didn't need to worry.  I told him we would love him always and that we knew he was happy where he was and that because of that we would be okay.  I cried for only a minute before that peace came again and I was reassured that we really would be okay. Cliff may be gone from us for now but we will see him again. Of that I have no doubt.

I am so grateful the short time I had to get to know him.  May he rest in peace until the glorious day of the Resurrection.

Tricia's Wedding

On June 9th my little sister got married! She married an amazing guy and the day was absolutely perfect!

The day started out at 10am at the Qquirrh Mountain LDS Temple where they were sealed for time and all eternity! It was a beautiful sealing and brought tears to my eyes. Afterwards we went outside for pictures. It was a beautiful summer day!





Our entire family was able to be there for her wedding, unlike mine (the perks of getting married in the summer instead of during the school year) so we took a moment to document the ginormous family we are!



After pictures we headed over to The Gathering Place at Gardner Village for a luncheon.

You gotta love the geek in my sister!

Then after the luncheon we headed to my older sister's where we had an outdoor reception. After having my own wedding and then helping to set everything up for Tricia's, I have definitely decided that it is much easier to be the bride on a wedding day instead of the "help". It was a very long day with set up and tear down, but I would do it again in a heartbeat to make her day perfect!

Unfortunately the wind picked up in the afternoon/evening hours so set up was rather difficult (we had to pin the runners and overlays to all the tablecloths and hold the pictures down with rocks) but nobody would really have noticed. Of course that might have been because nobody really sat at the tables other than family. It was so cold outside that most of the guests stood in line to greet the bride and groom, then stood in line to get some Cold Stone ice cream before heading to their cars to eat it where it was warm! :)







All in all it really was the perfect day and I am now so excited to have another brother-in-law!

Ryan & Me: Chapter Twenty

The Honeymoon:

Ryan and I went to California for our Honeymoon! Probably not the most exotic place to go but it sure was fun! Our goal was to go somewhere where we wouldn't have to do a lot of driving or sight seeing. After planning a stressful wedding we wanted something where we could just have fun and enjoy each other. We actually flew out to California on Friday, the day after our wedding. After getting there we went to the hotel and basically crashed. We were so tired! The best part about our hotel though was that we could stand on our balcony and watch the fireworks at Disneyland every night we were there. Totally awesome!


Saturday morning we headed to Los Angeles. Part of the route we took there was on the Santa Monica Freeway. Holy smokes that freeway is nauseating! Both Ryan and I commented on how we felt like we were on a boat. The up and down motion of the road felt like we were riding waves and it nearly did me in. But we made it to the LA Temple without losing any of our breakfast and we did a session in the LA Temple and it was amazing! The temple is large and so beautiful! I loved the temple grounds! We weren't quite expecting so many people to be there though. Apparently it was a stake temple day and so we had to park almost a quarter mile away! It was crazy, but it was also very nice to see so many people there. After our session we spent some time taking pictures and then we headed back to the hotel. We took a different route on the way home so thankfully, no more sea sickness!


Later that night we went to the Medieval Times. Ryan and I both really enjoyed that! The food was delicious and the entertainment was pretty fun too!


Sunday we went to 11am church and then we decided to head to San Diego. It made for a very nice Sunday drive. If you ever have to do a lot of driving (LA or San Diego for example) my advice is to definitely do it on the weekends when there is no rush hour traffic. We made it to San Diego in record time (just over an hour) and we had a wonderful day there. We started off in Old Town San Diego where we went to the Mormon Battalion Visitor Center. Neither of us had ever been there and it was a lot of fun! I learned so much I never even knew about the Mormon Battalion.


After the Mormon Battalion we went and took a few pictures of the San Diego temple. we would have loved to have gone inside that temple as well but unfortunately the temples are closed on Sunday. We enjoyed touring the temple grounds though!


Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we spent at Disneyland and California Adventure! That was so much fun! Ryan had never been to either park before so it felt extra special to be there with him. We enjoyed both parks but I think California Adventure was our favorite only because it's geared more towards adults and the rides are awesome! We had no lines for most of the rides and ended up on Tower of Terror FIVE times! We couldn't get enough. :)





Wednesday morning before heading to Disneyland we drove out to Newport Beach and went to the Newport Beach Temple. It was another gorgeous temple, inside and out!


Our trip came to an end on Thursday. We checked out of our hotel at noon but since we didn't have to be to the airport until 3pm we decided to head back out to Newport Beach and visit the beach! It was deserted other than two or three surfers and a few runners which made it that much more fun for us! We took a ton of pictures and played in the sand. It was awesome!




It was such an amazing honeymoon and it was so sad to see it end. We got home Thursday night and spent the rest of the weekend moving me into his house and cleaning out my old place. It was so much work and I was ready for another honeymoon! In fact, I still am ready for another honeymoon. :)

Ryan & Me: Chapter Nineteen

The Wedding: Part Three

The reception went from 6:30 to 8:30pm at an LDS Church by my parent's house. We decided early on that we didn't want a big fancy reception. We wanted to invite a few people and keep it pretty low-key. I think the church worked out perfectly! We had so much help with getting everything set up and looking beautiful. I cannot thank everyone enough for all they did to help!

We got there an hour early to take a few more pictures and then the receiving line started right at 6:30. There was a pretty constant stream of people until 8pm. Aside from the fact that my feet were killing me, I had a great time! Nobody could have wiped that smile off my face if they tried. It was so fun to see so many people come and show their support for Ryan and me. We feel so blessed to have such amazing family and friends! And it was fun to see people from my childhood (friends of my parents) that I haven't seen in nearly 20 years! I couldn't have asked for a more special night!




Once the line began to slow, we cut the cake!


Afterward we mingled a bit more and then headed off to change our clothes. As I came out of the bathroom my nephew ran up and asked if he could have the keys to our car.

"Why do you want them?" I asked.

"Well, we want to write 'Just Married' on the windows but it's too cold outside and it won't stick. We need to turn the car on and warm it up a little."

Since when does a teenage boy actually ask for permission to vandalize a car? It just made me smile.

"I don't have the keys." I said. "You'll have to ask Ryan."

I was pretty sure that Ryan wouldn't do it. He already said he didn't want to drive across the valley in a decorated car. But when Ryan came out of the bathroom my nephew went through the same shpill with him that he had just given me and when he finished, Ryan reached in his pockets and handed over the keys.

My jaw dropped to the ground and my nephew yelled "Yeah!" then grabbed the keys and ran off yelling "He gave them to me!"

I looked at Ryan and he said, "You can't deny a kid from having a little fun."

Nope, you really can't. Instead of heading out right then, which was our plan, we went back in the cultural hall and talked to a few more people - just to give the kids time to warm up the car and write all over it. (Note: My name was all written out, you just can't see it in this picture).


Once they came in and handed the keys back to us, we loaded up, said our goodbyes and headed to The Little America. My amazing husband had booked us the Honeymoon Suite! What luxury! And what a perfect way to end an already perfect day!

Ryan & Me: Chapter Eighteen

The Wedding: Part Two

Our wedding luncheon started at 1pm and it was held in the Kirtland Room of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. It is such a beautiful building and as soon as Ryan and I got engaged we both knew that was where we wanted our luncheon to be held. We had originally arranged to have the luncheon in the Bonneville Room but due to some unforeseen circumstances it had to be moved to the Kirtland Room about two weeks before the wedding. I was disappointed at first because it wasn't the room I originally wanted and that news isn't exactly something an already-stressed-out bride wants to hear! But I knew I just had to take things in stride and believe that it would all work out.

It did! The room ended up being the perfect size for the nearly 60 guests in attendance and the view was SO much better! The kids could not stop looking out the window at the temple!

That sight alone made the switch in rooms completely worth it to me. I wish I knew what was going on in their little heads but I'd like to think it was something along the lines of how they couldn't wait to go inside that temple someday!

That view also provided the perfect backdrop for our ring ceremony.

The luncheon actually started off with introductions. We went around the room and everyone introduced themselves and stated how they knew the bride or groom. We then ate a delicious meal before having the ring ceremony. Ryan and I decided very quickly that this was something we wanted to do, mainly for his family and the nieces and nephews - none of whom could go to the actual ceremony inside the temple. We asked his State President to do the ceremony for us and it was wonderful! He spoke a bit on temples and why they are so important to members of the LDS faith and then he spoke about the significance of rings and why we wear them on our left hands. I loved the whole thing! After that he had us exchange rings. It wasn't very long, six to seven minutes or so, but we loved it! Apparently we exchanged rings so fast that my two sisters trying to take pictures missed the entire ring exchange. This is the best shot we got*:


After the ring ceremony we ate dessert and then everyone was free to leave at their leisure. Many stuck around to chat with us for awhile which was nice! The whole thing was so nice and intimate. I was so grateful for all our family and friends who made the trip to be here. Some even came from as far away as Logan, Idaho and even Maryland, Arkansas and Texas! As I sat at the head table and looked around the room I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of love for everyone. The outpouring of love and support shown to both Ryan and me on our special day was almost more than my heart could take.

I think one of my favorite memories of the luncheon (other than what I've already mentioned) will be of my two year old nephew, who, while we were all eating lunch, would walk past the head table one person at a time and say "Hi". He'd walk up to Ryan's dad..."HI!"...then take one giant step forward to Ryan..."HI!"...then one more giant step to me..."HI!"...and then on to my parents. Then he'd run back and do it all over again! He also came up to show me his chapstick. I asked if I could borrow some and he said yes then ran around the table to me, pulled off the cap and rubbed it all over my lips and surrounding area! I have no idea who's chapstick that really was, but I'm still alive so I guess it was okay.

By about 3pm everyone had departed and so Ryan and I quickly changed and headed out to get ready for our next event, the reception!


*We did re-stage the ring exchange for photo purposes and I will insert a picture of that when I get one.

Ryan & Me: Chapter Seventeen

Editor's Note: The next three chapters will consist of Part I, II and III of Ryan & Camille's wedding day!

The Wedding: Part One

January 12, 2012 was probably best day of my life! After a year of dating and three months of stress and planning, I finally married my very best friend! The day couldn't have been more perfect either! I was up bright at early by 5am to shower and dry my hair. My sister and hairstylist arrived around 6:15am to help with hair and makeup and they made me look more beautiful than ever. Ryan picked me up at 7:30am and we were off to the Salt Lake Temple.

I admit that I was quite nervous. Not nervous to get married, but nervous of not knowing what to expect. I tried to eat breakfast but I just couldn't do it, my nerves were too great. We met my parents and brother at the Temple (my mom acted as my escort and my dad and brother were the witnesses) and then a few minutes later they whisked us all off in different directions. Thankfully my mom stayed with me though which helped calm my nerves. Ryan didn't have an escort so a nice gentleman (a temple worker) who happened to be walking past kindly offered to show Ryan where to go and what to do. Ryan was grateful, as was I. It's nice to know that at the Temple you never have to go through anything alone because there is always someone willing to help.

After 20 minutes or so Ryan and I did eventually meet back up together and then after a few minutes of waiting in the Celestial room the person who would be performing our marriage came and got us. And would you believe that it was none other than that kind gentleman who had offered to help Ryan just a few minutes before? Upon seeing us he said, "I have the privilege of marrying you today and let me just say that when I saw you in the hallway a few minutes ago I said 'Oh, I hope they are the couple I get to marry today' and here you are!" We all felt as though that was true inspiration!

After a few words of direction, he led us to the room where we would be married. Everyone we had invited was already sitting in there and when I walked in the room I nearly started crying. The spirit I immediately felt in seeing my loved ones was unmistakable. I had to convince myself it wasn't worth crying over though because I couldn't afford to have makeup running down my face!

The sealing was beautiful, though quite short. It's nothing like Hollywood's version of a wedding ceremony. It was wonderful though and the spirit there was so strong! There was no doubt in my mind that Ryan was the one I wanted to spend eternity with. The peace and happiness I felt was overwhelming. In about 20 minutes I went from being Camille Butterfield, to being Camille Millward, Ryan's wife. What an amazing moment that was! I wish I could put in words the exact feelings and emotions I had, but there just aren't any words quite worthy of the experience.

After the sealing we changed into our "fancy" clothes - Ryan in his tux and me in my wedding dress. We had opted not to take pictures of us prior to the wedding (which apparently is quite common these days) because we didn't want Ryan to see me in my dress before the wedding. I am SO glad we didn't. The look on Ryan's face when he saw me in my dress for the first time was priceless! It completely added to the beauty and excitement I was already feeling that day. I never want to forget that moment!

Once we changed they led us to the doors where all our family and friends were waiting outside. Now it was time for pictures!

Coming out of the temple:

One thing that Ryan and I had talked about was having our nieces and nephews at the temple for pictures. It was quite a sacrifice on the part of our siblings to get all their kids there and find someone to sit with them during the sealing, but I am SO glad they did it! Having the kids there was probably one of the highlights of the entire day for me. Kids don't always get the opportunity to see someone come out of the temple right after their marriage. All they see of an LDS wedding is typically the reception. I wanted those kids to be a part of that day because I felt that if there was any chance at all that it would help strengthen their testimony of a temple marriage, then I didn't want to deny them that experience. And besides, I love those kids as much as I love my parents or siblings. They ARE my family! I will always be so grateful that they came to my wedding and shared this special day with me. Again, there really are no words to describe the emotion I felt.

The whole gang:

My Family:

Ryan's Family:


Us:



One thing about getting married in January, you never know what to expect with the weather! Luckily the weather on our wedding day was absolutely gorgeous - blue sky and all! But it was SO cold! We took pictures outside for nearly 1 1/2 hours and I was chilled to the bone! By the time we finished outside, I couldn't even feel my hands. In fact, I could hardly grip my bouquet!

Once the pictures were done outside we headed over to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and took more pictures before heading to our luncheon!

Feeling Grateful...

This post is a couple weeks late, but I guess late is better than never, right? Here are just a few things I have recently been grateful for:

1- Family. Ryan and I got to spend our first official holiday together as an engaged couple. We spent Thanksgiving with my family along with Ryan's dad who came with us. It was fun, as always. We ate a great meal, visited, played games. I have a rather large family and so it was a little overwhelming for Ryan's dad but it was so good to have him there celebrating with us.

2- The Gospel and the Temple. The day after Thanksgiving was a big day for Ryan. It was the day he chose to go through the temple and receive his endowment. He had reached the year anniversary of his baptism on the Sunday prior (the 20th). He didn't have any of his own family who could be there so he invited a few friends from his branch and any of my family who wanted to come. It was amazing to see just how much support Ryan always has and how much people love him. Everyone in my family who lived close enough was there, as well as some friends from his branch. It was such a special day for Ryan and I'm sure it was a day he will never forget. I am so grateful for the gospel and for the blessings we receive from going to the temple faithfully. Ryan is already anxious to go back and I definitely love that about him! I don't think I will ever have to worry about trying to drag him to the temple with me. He might be the one who ends up dragging me.

3- Guardian Angels. This one I feel especially grateful for at the moment because of my recent accident on the freeway. I am so grateful for those guardian angels who are put in our lives to protect us. I'm not just referring to me, but to all those on the freeway who somehow managed to avoid my out of control car. My sister called me the other night to tell me that she told a friend of hers that I was in an accident and after asking a few questions, he told her that he was on the freeway that night and I had actually almost hit him. He saw the whole thing and it completely freaked him out. My sister asked him if he swore at me and he said, "No. I actually felt like something like that was going to happen so I had moved into the fast lane right before." Then he told her that my tires were pointed one direction and I was sliding right towards him but then at the last second my car shot off in the other direction. So see...guardian angels all around. He even told her that there were so many cars on the freeway at that moment that he had no idea how I wasn't T-boned by another car. He was quite surprised to find out I had only hit one car. Truthfully, I still have no idea how I got out of that one unscathed. I can only give credit to the one(s) watching out for me and the others who were on the road that night.

4- My health. Lately I feel like I have been falling apart. Stress tends to take a major toll on my physical well being and if it's not one thing wrong with me it's another. But despite the aches and pains that I've been enduring recently, I am gateful to know it's all just temporary and will go away when my stress level decreases. I really do have remarkable health and I am very grateful for that.

Wedding Planning...

Well, it has definitely been one crazy month since I have gotten engaged. I don't think I actually realized just how much time and mental energy goes into planning a wedding. We are definitely making good progress but there is still so much to do! My apologies for not being the best blogger in the world. I just don't seem to have any spare time anymore and it will probably be this way for the next two months.

I just thought I'd throw out a few things I have learned over the past month and hopefully I can put them to good use during the next two months:

1) NEVER take prednisone while planning a wedding. I had some health issues in October that required me to go on prednisone for a couple of weeks. Upon weaning myself off this medication it completely screwed up my mental health. I have never been so emotional in my life. My poor family (and especially Ryan) had to put up with my crazy outbursts and mood swings. I was depressed and sobbing all the time! I secluded myself to my office at work and never spoke a word to anyone because I had no idea if I was going to start yelling or crying at the drop of a hat. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. As if wedding planning isn't stressful enough, try doing it while attempting to control emotions you have no control over. It is mentally and physically taxing.

2) Be willing to listen to advice from others but never forget that the decisions are yours! This is YOUR wedding, not anyone else's. Do what you want and it will all work out.

3) Have fun! This is going to be one of the most stressful events in your life but don't take it too seriously. Unless you are on prednisone and therefore are acting like a complete crazy person, you should be able to laugh and enjoy each moment of this adventure. Chances are you'll only marry once in your life so don't let these moments get lost in the frustration and stress.

4) Take time off from planning. There will be times when you'll probably feel completely overwhelmed. If this happens don't be afraid to take a night off from wedding planning. You and your fiance deserve a night where you can relax and enjoy each other without talking about the wedding. Trust me...it will seriously help your mental frame of mind and allow you time to regroup before throwing yourself right back in it.

I am extremely grateful to have such a wonderful mother who researches things and makes phone calls for me while I'm at work. I have no idea how I'd get any wedding stuff done if it weren't for her. She's amazing! I am also extremely grateful to have a fiance who is willing to take such a big part in the planning. He has been such a huge help through all of this and I am grateful he's been so patient and willing to help - especially through those few days I was completely unstable.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Sixteen

Editor's Note: Some of this story has already been told on my birthday post but I'm telling it again for context.

THE PROPOSAL

It happened on October 14, 2011. Ryan and I had just spent an amazing day together. We took the day off work and he took me to Tucanos for my birthday lunch. We both ate way too much food but that still didn't seem to stop us from eating more! After lunch we went to the temple then went and played a round of mini golf before running a few other errands. By the time we got back to his house it was 5pm and I was feeling rather yucky. My stomach has issues and it started to really act up (that's what I get for eating too much at lunch). I layed down with the heating pad to watch some TV and just relax and then a couple hours later Ryan came over and knelt down on the floor by me. He had this look on his face that looked like he was really worried about me and so I tried to tell him not to worry. I told him that my stomach just acts up sometimes and it's something I've been dealing with for several years. He just looked at me and said "I want to take care of you the rest of my life." And then he said,

"So, will you marry me?" and he popped open the ring box.

I was totally caught off guard. I glanced at the ring, then looked at him and said

"Are you really asking me this right now?"

"Yes" was his reply.

"Okay, then yes! I will marry you!"

It may not have been a Hollywood proposal, but truthfully, our life together has never been a fairy tale and because of that I never wanted the engagement to be either. I didn't want him to plan something super extravagant. I knew that if he did something out of the ordinary, I would know exactly what he was planning. The best way to catch me off guard was, in my opinion, to propose in our natural environment and that's exactly what he did.

Even though we had gone ring shopping together and I knew that at some point he planned to propose, I still didn't know when to expect it and I certainly wasn't expecting it that night while I was laying there feeling sick. It was such a surprise! And for me it was also the perfect way to start this new chapter in our lives.

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Holy toledo. I can't believe that I have hit another birthday. This one is the big 3-4. I probably shouldn't announce that, but I don't really care. To me age is just another number. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by how old I am. I don't feel 34. I still feel like I am in my 20's but probably because I still act like I am in my 20's. :)

I have officially decided that I love having my birthday on a weekend because I get to celebrate all weekend! And it was such a great weekend too! Ryan and I both took Friday off work. I relaxed most of the morning and then he took me to Tucanos for lunch. I love that place! After lunch we went to the temple and then we went and played a round of mini golf. After that we ran a few errands before finally heading back to his place and settling in for the evening.

On Saturday two of my sisters ran a half marathon so Ryan and I along with my parents, another sister and three of her kids went out to cheer them on. That took most of the morning. Then I ran a few errands with Ryan, went out to my birthday dinner at Sweet Tomatoes with my parents in the evening, and then went back to Ryan's where he had baked me a fabulous birthday cake! It was his first time baking a cake and I think he did an amazing job. He certainly spoils me!


Sunday (today) was my actual birthday. I spent the morning relaxing at home then I went to church. After church I went to Ryan's for dinner and to open some more great gifts he got me. Then we headed to my parent's where we had a big birthday party for me and my brother (his birthday is on Thursday). I love my family so much and I really appreciate that they still make the effort to celebrate each other's birthdays. They always make me feel special at least once a year. :)

I would have to say that based on all that alone, this was the best birthday (and best birthday weekend) a girl could ask for. But this year was even more special for me because I also got this:


Happy birthday to me! :)

Ryan and Me: Chapter Fifteen

I'm sure many people assumed Ryan and I would immediately start dating the second he emerged from the water on his baptism day. Though I did feel like I could now date him, I still felt somewhat conflicted. I knew some of his family and friends had expressed concern to Ryan that they felt he was only joining the church for me. We both knew otherwise, but because of these concerns I was still very guarded. I didn't want to give anyone a reason to believe they were right when clearly they were wrong.

We did talk about things shortly after his baptism and we did decide to try dating though still not seriously. I had it in my mind that I wanted to date other people, even though Ryan made it very clear he did not. After a couple of months of doing that, I realized there wasn't anyone else I wanted to date so we made it "official" the beginning of January.

I won't say that our relationship has always been peaches and cream. We have definitely had our ups and our downs. But despite that, we know how to balance each other out and I think that is why we work so well. The only issue I ever had in regards to our relationship was the fact that I am slightly taller than him. You all might laugh in my face, but this was something that was quite difficult for me to overcome. The reason being, I have always been the tall one in my family. I'm taller than both my parents by an inch or more and all of my sisters by about four or five inches. Only my two brothers are taller than me. I have always felt like the giant when surrounded by my family and because of this I longed for a man who could make me feel small.

In the beginning of our relationship I always seemed to be concerned about what other people might be thinking if they saw us together. Would we look cute together? Or would we look like a really odd couple because I was the taller one? But the more time we spent together, the more I began to realize that I didn't think about it as much. I also began to pay more attention to other couples around us and I realized that there are many women who are taller than their boyfriends/husbands! It clearly wasn't as big a deal as I was making it.

Now with several months of dating under our belts, I can truthfully say that our difference in height doesn't bother me anymore. There are still some things that I won't do, like wear heels around him, and there are some things I still wish I could do, like bury my head in his chest when I'm crying. But in the grand scheme of things, none of that is important. Ryan may not be the tall guy I someday dreamed of dating but he is and does so much more than I ever dreamed of: he is always sensitive to my needs; he is patient; understanding; kind; willing to help others; he cooks; he cleans; he goes shopping with me; he goes to plays and ballets; he loves the Lord, he loves the gospel and, he loves me.

I never expected Ryan to become part of my life in this way. If you told me two years ago this would happen I would have laughed in your face. But I could not be more grateful or feel more blessed than I do right now. Short or not, Ryan is my perfect match. There is not another guy in the world who could deal with me and my split personalities as well as he does.

I don't know what the future holds for us yet but I am excited to find out.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Fourteen

From the time of Ryan's first discussion until his baptism, it was about three weeks . As I already mentioned, it wasn't always an easy three weeks but we got through it. I think one of his biggest concerns regarding his baptism was whether his family and his friends would be supportive. But even then, he never questioned his decision.

Saturday, November 20, 2010 was the day he picked to be baptized. His baptism was scheduled for 11:00am that morning. Everyone that was an important part of Ryan's life came out to support him, except for his dad. Though his dad did say he wouldn't stand in Ryan's way, he still felt he couldn't fully support his decision. But his sister and her family came as well as several of Ryan's closest friends. There were also people from his new branch there and people from my ward, along with some friends from work. In all there were about 60 people there that day. Seeing all those people there nearly brought tears to my eyes. Here Ryan had been worried he wouldn't have any support and now every seat in the room was taken. It was definitely a sight to behold. It was a special witness to me of just how special a person Ryan really is.

The service was very nice. Ryan was able to decide the program so he picked the speakers, the hymns, the prayers, etc. After he was baptized his Branch President asked him to stand and share his testimony, which he did. I can't recite his entire testimony, but the spirit was so strong. One thing that stood out to me was seeing how much faith he now had. It reminded me of that day he drove me home from work where he told me that he envied me for the faith I had because it was something he would never have. But now here he was, a short five months later, standing in front of all his friends and family, testifying of what he knew to be true. He was a completely different person and that moment was a testimony to me of just how much Heavenly Father really does love all His children and wants the best for them.

I don't know everything that Ryan was feeling that day, but I do know that he was full of peace and happiness. He knew he made the right decision and that his baptism was just the first step he would take in his new life. It has now been ten months since Ryan's baptism. Much has happened since then and I won't blog about all of it, but here is a summary of just a few important events in his life:

December 5, 2010: Ryan received the Aaronic Priesthood and was ordained a Priest.
March 20, 2011: Ryan received the Melchizedek Priesthood and was ordained an Elder
August 14, 2011: Ryan was called to be the 1st Counselor in the Elder's Quorum.

This calling wasn't his first. He started out as the Sacrament Coordinator, then became a Home Teaching District Leader before being called to be 1st counselor in the Elder's Quorum. I don't think either of us ever thought he'd hold three different callings within nine months of his baptism but it really wasn't a surprise to me. He is a natural leader; He sees what needs to be done and he gets it done. He also has one of the most willing hearts I have ever seen.

It has been an amazing ten months. I have absolutely loved watching his progress and seeing the person he is becoming. When I look at him now I can hardly see the person he used to be anymore. He has grown so much and (at the risk of sounding totally cliché) he makes me want to be better.

Ryan and me on his baptism day:

Ryan and Me: Chapter Thirteen

It took only one week after Ryan had received his own answer about Joseph Smith and had made the decision to meet with the missionaries, that chaos ensued. Well, I probably shouldn't call it chaos, but difficulties definitely arose. I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of everything that happened, but here is the basic gist of it:

Saturday (one week after his answer): we got into a discussion about some things that left us both feeling slightly tense. We left each other that evening barely speaking.

Sunday: Ryan was supposed to go to church with me but due to the tension from the night before, he skipped out on me without even saying anything. This left me feeling slightly concerned so I tried to text him. I heard nothing from him the entire day.

Monday: Ryan came into my office to ask for something. I could tell something was still bothering him so I decided we should talk. He basically told me he didn't want me to go to his discussion with the missionaries that evening. That, along with what had gone down the previous two days caused me to feel hurt and betrayed. I felt like we just ran a marathon together, with me helping and encouraging him the entire way, and then with half a mile to go he just pushed me aside and said, "thanks, but I don't need you anymore." After a while of pondering this situation, however, I realized I had no right to feel that way so I tried to email him and explain that he was right and I shouldn't be there. I also expressed my happiness and excitement for him and wished him well with the discussion. I got a response back that I was not expecting. I'm not going to say anything about it other than it completely broke my heart and nearly cost us our friendship. The next few days were VERY rough for both of us.

Looking back on this entire experience, I still have no idea where many of our problems that week came from. It completely felt like the adversary was trying to get us to wage war on each other. Everything that could have gone wrong just about did. Even though we both went through many emotions and frustrations during this time, I think Ryan dealt with the brunt of it and he began to question just about everything. I'm sure his decision to convert to the LDS church was among those things he was questioning.

It is often said that the adversary will do everything in his power to stop God's work from progressing on this earth. Satan is the father of contention, fear, doubt, confusion and anger and he uses these feelings to keep us from doing what we feel is right. I cannot begin to tell you just how many of those feelings we both experienced in those four or five days. It took so much faith, determination and patience on our part to see it through when it would have been so easy for both of us to just walk away. I had to constantly remind myself that God would provide a way. I had to let go of my pride and selfishness and realize that Ryan did need to go through this part of his journey without me and I couldn't let his emotions affect my own. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do.

One night as I was writing in my journal, I penned these lines:

I feel like Satan is completely trying to drive a wedge between us but at the same time, I also feel like this is exactly what Ryan needs right now. This is his perfect "test" so to speak, to see if joining the church is really what he wants. With things being difficult between us and him possibly feeling like "us" will never happen, he has a good chance now of doing this for all the right reasons.

Despite how hard Satan worked in trying to destroy everything we had both worked so hard for, we still knew that we could not give up. Each night Ryan had a missionary discussion, I would sit at home and patiently wait for him to call me up and tell me how it went. They always went perfectly. I think it was during his 2nd discussion where he actually told the missionaries that he already believed it, was ready to be baptized and that they were just a formality. Hearing that brought a smile to my face because it was then that I knew for sure that the adversary would not win.

Ryan was ready.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve: (Note: This chapter is a bit lengthier than others but I wanted to keep the entire experience in one segment).

The day after Ryan and I had that conversation about him reading the Joseph Smith History, I had this thought to see if he would be interested in going downtown to see the movie "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". It plays at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and has done so for several years. The last time I had seen it was probably five or six years ago. Anyway, I decided to email Ryan and see if he would be interested in going. As I was typing up my email I noticed an email pop up from him. I opened it, began to read and was surprised to see what he had written. He asked me if I would be interested in going to see the Joseph Smith movie downtown. Apparently another friend of his had mentioned it to him and he thought it would be worth seeing.

So the next night, Saturday, October 23, 2010, we headed downtown to see this movie. We were probably two of fifteen in the entire theatre. Because it had been so long since I had seen the movie, I had forgotten much of it. I had also forgotten the power, the emotion, and the spirit of it. I don't think I have cried so much in a movie as I did that night. I was reminded by a feeling of calmness and peace, despite the pain and anguish I felt in my heart, that Joseph Smith truly was a prophet of God. What he witnessed that spring day in a grove of trees was real. Heavenly Father did, in fact, appear to him along with his Son Jesus Christ and over the course of several years, they restored their Gospel to the earth through Joseph. I honestly don't think Joseph would have gone through everything he did if it was all a lie. Why endure that kind of persecution for no reason? Everything I felt that night brought me back to the exact same conclusion...he was not making this up.

In fact, when the movie ended and after I grabbed a tissue on the way out to dry my tears, we headed back to the car. As we began the drive home I asked Ryan what he thought of it and he said he enjoyed it quite a bit. He also said he was starting to believe it. Then he mentioned two things that really stood out to me. First, he brought up a video clip of a conference talk I had him watch about a month or so ago by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland . In this video Elder Holland mentioned something about how Joseph would not have endured all that he did if it was all a lie. This kept coming to Ryan's mind as he was watching the movie. The second thing he mentioned was that there was no way that Joseph, having experienced the Vision first hand, could ever deny it. It really struck me that those would have been Ryan's thoughts upon watching the video because in the Joseph Smith History, Joseph himself says,

So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.

Joseph, having seen what he had, could not deny it. It was remarkable to me that Ryan would understand that so quickly.

The next day, Sunday, October 24, 2010, Ryan came to church with me. This wasn't the first time he had gone to church with me, but it was the first time he attended all three of the meetings (three hours is a long time for a newbie). He went to Priesthood meeting and then we sat through Sunday School together and then we went to Sacrament meeting. While we were waiting for Sacrament meeting to start we talked a little and he told me he really enjoyed Priesthood meeting because everyone was so friendly and welcoming. Then he paused a minute then said, "I had a very interesting experience in the middle of the night..."

I don't know why, but when he said that my mind immediately went to "middle of the night? Dreams..." *gasp*

"Did you have a vision?!?!?" I asked excitedly.

He laughed and said, "No, I didn't have a vision."

"Oh...well what happened?" I asked.

He then told me that he had woken up in the night feeling rather anxious about things but not sure why. He had a lot of doubt and confusion. He laid in bed contemplating the movie we saw that night about Joseph Smith and everything he went through. Then he remembered Moroni's promise in the Book of Mormon that if he prayed with a sincere heart, the truth would be revealed to him. So, he asked Heavenly Father if everything Joseph went through was true and if he were really charged with translating the Book of Mormon. He then said that almost immediately all his doubts and confusion washed away and he was left with an overwhelming feeling of peace and love that said to him, "Yes, it's all true!"

I could hardly contain my joy and excitement. I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Oh my gosh!" but alas, I was sitting in Sacrament meeting and had to maintain my composure and a spirit of reverence. I did manage to sit there as composed as possible but I could not stop the huge grin from spreading over my face, nor could I stop the "So you believe it?!?!?" question from bursting out of my mouth. He looked at me and nodded his head then said, "I think I need to meet with the missionaries."

After sacrament meeting I went straight up to my ward mission leader and asked him how we could go about introducing Ryan to the missionaries. And then not a minute later the missionaries walked right through the door! You can believe what you want, but to me that was not a coincidence.

So much joy filled my heart that day. Not for me, and not for "us", but for Ryan. I knew that his life had just changed forever and he would now have the opportunity to have that peace and happiness in his life that he had for so long seen in mine. I wanted nothing more for him; Heavenly Father wanted nothing more for him; and now it was within his reach. My testimony was strengthened that day because I had just received yet another witness, as Ryan had received his own, that Heavenly Father does hear and answer our prayers. That when we "ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto [us], by the power of the Holy Ghost."

Just like Joseph Smith would never deny that he saw God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ, neither can Ryan ever deny that his prayer was answered. And when times get tough, when "persecution" comes, he will always have that experience and that knowledge to lean on. But receiving his answer was not the end of this journey. The next few weeks would prove to be a remarkable test of faith thanks to our least favorite adversary.


*For anyone interested in learning more, I invite you to go to LDS.org and read the Joseph Smith History. You can find Moroni's promise at the end of the Book of Mormon in Moroni Chapter 10 verses 3-5. You can also view the full length video of "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration on YouTube. (Note: the video is an updated version of the one Ryan and I saw, but it is still just as powerful, emotional and spiritual as the original. I recommend it to all!)

Ryan and Me: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven:

From August to October not much changed in my friendship with Ryan. We continued to go on our long drives and have our long talks about my religion. He seemed to grab hold of some of my beliefs, like that of eternal marriage and eternal families. He loved the idea of being able to be with his family beyond this life. To him that was a beautiful concept. But there were still things that seemed to bother him too, like the belief that God has a plan for each of us. To him that felt like predestination and he didn't like that idea because it made him feel like it didn't matter what he chose to do in this life because his future was already chosen for him. I assured him that was not the case. Heavenly Father did have a plan for him but only he could choose if he wanted to be guided down that path. Heavenly Father would not, in any way, force his hand and make him do anything he didn't want to do. Ryan would always have a choice.

At other times we would discuss the Book of Mormon and even though he said he thought it was an interesting book he still wasn't sure whether he believed it. To him it just seemed like a really good story. But I'll never forget the times where I felt impressed to share certain passages from it, such as the stories of Enos and Alma the Younger. After each of those moments Ryan would sit there and then say, "What made you share that particular passage with me?" And then he'd thank me for doing so. Those moments would always give me so much hope but then somehow it always seemed to come back to "it's a good story but I just don't know if I believe it."

Then there was the night we sat at his house for hours and talked. I tried to share with him the story of Joseph Smith's first vision. It was the first time I had ever shared that story with someone not of my faith and I have to admit, I was nervous. It felt like I couldn't say what I really wanted to say. I stumbled over my words, I even laughed a time or two at what was coming out of my mouth. The story sounded ridiculous! For the first time I completely understood why someone wouldn't believe it. A 14 year old boy went into a grove of trees to pray and he saw God and Jesus Christ? In person? Yes. But because it sounded crazy coming out of my mouth, I had serious fears that Ryan was simply laughing inside and thinking I was a nut job for believing it. I finally stopped and said something like, "I'm sorry. I can't really express what I'm trying to say. This all sounds so crazy." And then much to my surprise, Ryan looked at me and basically said that it didn't sound crazy at all and it made complete sense to him. Right then I learned a very valuable lesson: even when we don't feel like we're saying the right thing or making any sense, it's okay because the Spirit is the one doing the teaching. The Spirit will make sense of the babble coming from our mouths and will touch the other person's heart. All that is required of us is to open our mouth.

These kinds of conversations continued. Ryan asked a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. There were times when I didn't know an answer and would have to tell him I'd research it and get back to him. I would go home those nights and I would not sleep until I had found the answers to his questions. I loved these moments the most because not only was I teaching him, but I was learning for myself. I learned and grew so much during this time. I'm not sure Ryan even knew how much his inquiries helped strengthen my own testimony.

Each of these conversations had some kind of impact on Ryan but one of the most defining moments of Ryan's spiritual journey came on October 21, 2010. We had taken one of our long drives and ended up at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. I could tell something was off with him but I couldn't really tell what so I didn't say anything at first. After a few minutes he began to tell me that he was worried that his feelings for me were interfering with his decision to investigate the church. So it seemed my biggest concern and the one I tried my hardest to avoid, was coming true after all. We discussed it at length and ultimately I told him I would do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to do this on his own, I would support that decision. It certainly wasn't something I wanted, but for him I was willing to do it. But even through this discussion I had this overwhelming feeling inside that I needed to be more direct with him in regards to the church. I knew that he had to come to a decision on his own but with Ryan it was difficult because he would start to go one direction and then do a complete 180. I never knew exactly what he was thinking or feeling. Now I felt I could no longer worry about being too pushy. I had to know where he stood. So I asked him if he believed any of it. He said there were some aspects he agreed with and believes in but he doesn't believe all of it. I then told him we had to start at the beginning.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Do you believe the Book of Mormon is the word of God?"

"No."

"Do you believe Joseph Smith is a prophet of God?"

"No."

Despite the sadness I felt in my heart, at least now I knew where he stood. I took a breath and continued.

"It has to start right there. If you don't believe that, none else matters."

I then explained that the rest of my beliefs wouldn't make any sense if he didn't believe in Joseph Smith. I then asked him if he knew the Joseph Smith story (knowing I had already tried to explain it to him once before) and he relayed to me what he knew of the First Vision. When he finished I looked at him and said, "Do you believe anything you just said?" He didn't seem to understand the question so I asked again, "Do you believe anything that just came out of your mouth?" and he said, "Well, I feel like I can relate to what he went through in search for truth because I'm going through it." "So", I said, "you believe it could have happened?" He then told me he believed it.

At that point I told him that he needed to read the entire Joseph Smith History and then pray about it. He told me that he would and then laughed and said "Maybe I should have started with this". That hit me. I couldn't believe that during all those months of conversations, I never once had him read anything about the First Vision. I felt horrible, but then I remembered that I was just trying not to be pushy. It became apparent to me that night, however, that sometimes Ryan does need a gentle push. But interestingly enough, that push didn't really come from me. I acted only in the way I felt I needed to. If I didn't have that feeling to do so, I don't think I would have done it.

Before I got out of his car that night I took his iPhone, pulled up the Gospel Library, opened to the Joseph Smith History then left it there so it would be the first thing he saw the next time he picked up his phone. Then I went inside feeling hopeful that this would be the turning point of his conversion.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Ten

My friendship with Ryan proved to be more dynamic than most friendships. It was obvious that we were closer to each other than two people would be who were "just friends". With us, there were obvious signs of attraction as well as a strong desire on both our parts to be more than friends. Because I was so stubborn and wouldn't allow the two of us to date, we did the best we could to maintain our friendship. But this was where the challenge came because while I maintained we could only be friends on the outside, I obviously felt more than that on the inside. And because of that, I was often harder on him than I should have been. I expected so much more of him than anyone would expect of someone who was just a friend. In my mind I still saw him for who he truly had the potential to be and because of that, I expected him to act as such.

This brings to mind one very defining moment in our relationship. It occurred on August 4, 2010. I had had a very difficult day at work. I did run into Ryan a few times and each time we did I would have this thought to talk with him. But we never really did. We'd say hello in passing and a quick "how are you?" but nothing very extensive. It wasn't until after work that I really felt like I should talk to him so I sent him a text. I thought I could go over to his house and visit for a bit. But it turned out that he had had a really bad day too. I asked him if he wanted me to come over and chat for a bit and he said the one thing I never, ever wanted to hear.

"I'd love for you to come over but I've had a few drinks and probably won't be the best company."

Now, I knew that Ryan was a drinker so it wasn't really a surprise to me that he would choose to have a drink or two after having a bad day. But for some reason this completely threw me off guard. I had had a bad day and could have used a friend. Not a drunk one though. He had had a bad day and even though he said he wanted to call me, he didn't want to be a burden. So instead of turning to me for help he did what he always did...he turned to the bottle. Even though I probably had no right to, I felt hurt. He told me I could still go over but of course I said I'd go another time. He felt I hated him for the choice he made. I told him that I didn't hate him but I was disappointed. I would have prefered he called me instead of turning to alcohol.

All in all the night didn't go how I had planned at all. I ended up crying much of the night. I felt so conflicted. Part of me wanted to go over there anyway to be the friend that he needed but the other part of me felt like he had already made his choice and I couldn't be there to tell him it would be okay when clearly it wasn't okay. I couldn't support him in making a choice I felt was wrong. I just couldn't. So I turned to Heavenly Father and asked Him to be there for Ryan because I just couldn't do it. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that I was expecting too much from Ryan. I didn't judge him for the choice he made. I knew it wouldn't affect our friendship. But at the same time, I knew he had the potential to be so much better than that. And because of that I expected so much more of him.

Over the course of the next couple of days we did have a chance to talk about it. He told me he had dumped the rest of his alcohol down the drain because he realized his drinking was now affecting more than just him. Just like that he gave it up. I have never been more happy or more proud of him than I was upon hearing that. Now he really had the chance to become that person I always knew and believed he could be.

Ryan did have one more drink after our conversation when he went out to dinner with a friend. That was on August 12, 2010. As of today, August 13, 2011, Ryan has been alcohol free for exactly one year. I am so proud of him for this choice that he made and it has been such a blessing for me to see how far he has come in such a short amount of time.

Once Ryan gave up the alcohol, he began doing other "30 day challenges" just to see if he could challenge himself to go without something. The logic behind this is that after doing something for 30 days it becomes a habit. He went 30 days without watching any R-rated movies. To my knowledge he hasn't watched one since. He went 30 days without drinking coffee. He has had one since but that was nearly 10 months ago. He stopped swearing as well. The transformation that has taken place in him is almost impossible for me to describe. Some people say that I had a big part in bringing about this change. Perhaps to an extent that is true. But Ryan is the one who made these choices. He is the one who went through it all. He was ready and willing to make these changes in his life and he did it. He had the desire to do it. No matter how difficult and challenging it was to give up so many things he had grown accustomed to, he had that faith, patience and determination to see it through. All I did was be there to encourage and support.

It is important to also note that all these changes were made by Ryan because he wanted to better his life and these were simply steps that would take him that direction. He saw my example and wondered if he could live the same way. These changes were made before he really began to feel a change of heart toward my religious beliefs. In a way I guess you could say that Heavenly Father was preparing him before he even realized it.

Ryan and Me: Chapter Nine

Even though the conversations about my religion continued as time went on, it seemed the conversations about our friendship and dating did as well. Over the 24th of July weekend, my sister and I made plans to go to Jackson Hole, WY to see her friend who was in a play and I invited Ryan to come along. Things seemed to be going well at first, until the moment we were walking down the street in the center of town and he reached for my hand. Once again, I had to pull away. He asked if there was a problem and I said we would talk about it later.

That was not how I had planned for things to go. Here we were on vacation and I now had to ruin it by telling him, again, that I wasn't ready to take our relationship to that level. Part of me didn't want to say anything until we got back home but I knew it would just make things awkward if we didn't talk about it. Before the play started Ryan had been sitting outside by himself, obviously frustrated with what had happened earlier, so I left my sister and went out to talk to him. I explained, again, that I just wasn't ready to take that step. I couldn't date someone I couldn't potentially marry in the temple. The conversation left him a little upset and it took awhile for us to act normal around each other again. But we eventually got through it and the weekend turned out to be really fun.

About a week or so after that we went on another drive together. We had planned to go hiking but then decided that in order to have a more indepth conversation we needed to do something a little less strenuous. So we drove over to Draper and then took a 5 mile walk. We again ended up talking about our relationship. Ryan was trying so hard to understand where I was coming from but it was difficult. He told me about a conversation he had with his dad and his dad basically told him not to waste his time. Neither of them could understand why anyone would turn down a relationship that had the potential to be great just because the other person wasn't of their same faith. I didn't know how else to explain it in a way that he would understand. He said part of him wanted to listen to his dad and just walk away from it, but the other part of him felt like he needed to be patient.

Then on August 17th when we were hanging out I could tell something was up with him. It took awhile for him to talk about it but he eventually told me he felt he was becoming too attached. We ended up talking about it for quite awhile. I told him I understood and that if it was too hard for him and we needed to back off, I would do that. It tore me up inside but I knew I had no right to put him through what he was going through. That night upon returning home, I jotted these feelings down in my journal:

"...It's not that I don't want things to progress, it's just that right now they can't. I was very straight with him and I think I hit him with a knife through the heart a time or two but at least now there is no question as to where I stand. I can't allow myself to wish and hope when I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I mean there is always hope, but I still have to remain focused on now..."

Unless someone has been through an experience like this, they probably can't understand how hard it is. I felt like I was being so cold & heartless with Ryan, but I knew that with him I had to be strong. I couldn't allow my feelings for him to overpower my decision to only date someone I could marry. Looking back, it is amazing for me to see how Ryan continued to remain so patient when I gave him every reason to walk away. I am now so grateful that he stuck with it. I knew the risk I was taking by always telling him no. I was fully aware that he could walk away at any minute and I would have lost my chance. I know we both shed many tears into our pillows at night because neither of us could have what we wanted. It was so hard! But I believe that those moments, as trying as they were, are exactly what got us to where we are now. We can get through any trial together. It doesn't matter how big or small that trial is; it doesn't matter how many words of frustration are spoken; it doesn't matter how many tears are shed. We know that no matter what comes our way, we can get through it. I believe we owe that to how hard we had to work to build our friendship in the beginning. Our relationship was something that neither of us felt we could walk way from but at the same time it was also something we really had to work for. To this day we still sometimes say, "It shouldn't be this hard." But you know what, sometimes it is. Relationships are a constant test of our patience, our faith, and our determination. Sometimes they may be more of a challenge than we would like but even then we usually come out of those moments stronger than we were before.

These conversations eventually eased up a bit though they never completely stopped. It was still something that proved to be frustrating at times, but for the most part we tried to keep our focus more on the friendship we did have rather than on the relationship we couldn't have. This was good because it allowed us to focus more on Ryan and his search for the truth. My internal dilemma still continued to surface though: was Ryan showing interest in my faith because he wanted to believe it or was he doing it simply to date me? This would be something that would weigh heavily on my mind for the next few months as our conversations and our friendship continued.