Ryan and Me: Chapter Four

Chapter Four: The Lunchtime Visits

Around the same time that Ryan and I started emailing, the break room in my office underwent some remodeling. I would usually eat lunch in the break room but during this time I had to find another place to eat. The first couple of days I walked over to the Student Union and ate there, but I quickly found it much to noisy and distracting. I sometimes use my lunch break to work on preparing my Relief Society lessons so I needed a much quieter place to sit. Therefore, I ended up sitting under the stairs in the basement of my building at some tables by the soda machine. This spot just so happened to be right next to Ryan's office so on his way up or down the stairs he would stop to say hello.

During one of these visits, Ryan saw that I was working on something so he asked me what it was. I told him I was working on a lesson I had to teach for church. He asked me what it was on and I told him it was on the Atonement. He said he didn't know anything about the Atonement and then asked me what my argument for the Atonement was. How was I supposed to answer that? Here I was, sitting at a table under the stairs with people walking up and down and there he was, expecting me to just dive into religion with him. Seeing how close to my heart this subject is, I panicked. I didn't want to risk feeling like something I believe so strongly was going to be rejected. The fear and anxiety that arose in me was monstrous and I think the exact words out of my mouth were something like, "Uh, there really was one, it really happened and it's important."

Yup. That's what I said. And I'm pretty sure that wasn't the answer he was looking for. He looked at me for a second or two then kind of chuckled. I said, "Did you want to know more than that?" He replied, "Not if that's all you want to tell me." At that point the conversation changed and for the rest of the day I beat myself up over completely botching that opportunity. That night I think I said one of the most fervent prayers I've said in a long time. I explained what happened and then asked Heavenly Father to please give me another chance. I knew Ryan wasn't religious and the last thing I wanted to do was to pressure him or make him feel uncomfortable. I knew I couldn't just bring it up again. But if he brought it up again, I promised I would do my very best to explain it to him in a way he could hopefully understand.

An opportunity to revisit the Atonement discussion never came, but I did end up writing my testimony of it here on my blog and then I sent him an email with a link to it. That was all that was ever said about that, but it was not the last time we would discuss religion or my faith.

Those lunch time visits only lasted about three weeks and then I headed back to the office break room. I still continue to be amazed, however, at the timing of those visits. What were the chances that I would need a new place to eat lunch within a week or two of Ryan and I becoming better acquainted? I didn't plan for that to happen but I am very grateful that it did. These visits were the perfect opportunities for us to talk during work and get to know each other better. We had many conversations at that table under the stairs and between those as well as the emails we sent back and forth, Ryan and I were well on our way to building an amazing friendship.