The Funeral...

Cliff's funeral was on Saturday, January 26, 2013 at Memorial Mortuary in Murray.  It was a lovely service and we couldn't have been more pleased with how it turned out. Ryan and his sister both gave a few remarks, his pastors offered prayers, and then we also had an open invitation for people to get up and share their memories of Cliff.  That was so nice because we heard so many wonderful stories about Cliff that we never even knew.  Cliff was also a part of many symphonies throughout the valley and so the conductor of the American West Symphony played a violin solo and then six other members of the symphony played one of the pieces that Cliff had composed (which was played over in Germany a few months ago).  There was a really sweet spirit there and I was so grateful for all who were willing to participate.  I am also grateful that his legacy will continue to live on through the music he wrote and the life that he lived.  He touched so many lives and  I hope that when it's my time to go, I will have made as much of an impact on others lives the way he had in his short 79 years on earth.

After the funeral service we had a little ceremony at the gravesite.  A prayer was offered and then military honors were performed.  They played taps and folded the American flag that was draped over his casket.  The flag was presented to Ryan "on behalf of the President of the United States"  and that was such an amazing honor.  Here are a few pictures of the occassion:

I just wish to share one final thought, which came from Ryan's remarks.  His dad wasn't too thrilled with the idea of Ryan joining the LDS Church because he didn't agree with the theology. But Ryan wanted to share a scripture in his remarks so he said, "I want to share a scripture but I'm going to stand over here a little (away from the casket) because it comes from the Book of Mormon. You all might want to watch the casket and make sure my dad doesn't roll over."   The place erupted into laughter and then he shared this scripture:

"...the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles, and from all care and sorrow".

I know that Cliff has returned to the God who gave him life and I know he is resting now from all his cares and sorrows. Though there was great sadness in the fact that we had to say goodbye to a wonderful man, the day was full of peace and comfort. A life was celebrated and honored rather than mourned and that's exactly how it should be. Thank you to all who helped make this day as special as it was.

Letting Go...

On Tuesday, January 22, 2013, after three months of being in a hospital or care facility on a ventilator, Ryan's dad passed away.  That weekend (Saturday - Monday) he ended up in the ER three separate times due to low oxygenation issues as well as needing a blood transfusion.  On the 3rd visit the ER doctor called Ryan and said they found a bleed in his GI tract and wanted to know how to proceed.  Cliff had told us that he didn't want any heroic measures to be taken to save him (such as if his heart gave out, etc) and since he could no longer communicate with us it came time for Ryan and his siblings to make a decision. If he was bleeding internally they would have to do intensive testing to figure out where exactly the bleed was. They may also have to do surgery to repair it.  In addition to the bleed the ER doctor also told us that he had a high buildup of carbon dioxide in his system (which possibly could have been contributing to his loss of responsiveness the past couple of weeks) and they had to put his ventilator settings on the highest settings to push that poison out of his system.

The goal at the beginning of this journey three months ago was to get Cliff off the ventilator and breathing on his own again but there was no possible way they could begin to wean him off if his body continued to required it. We knew at this point he couldn't breath on his own and it seemed that his body was slowly beginning to shut down.  So on Monday, January 21st, Ryan met with the doctors and his siblings and it was decided that the best thing to do was to let him go.

Though I say that was the best thing to do, that does not mean it was the easiest thing to do. Having to make the decision to end life support is very difficult. But Ryan and I and his siblings felt at peace with the decision and believed that it was what Cliff would want if he had to make the decision himself.  So the decision was made.  Ryan and his sister contacted Cliff's pastor and several of his friends and told them the situation.  Between Monday evening and Tuesday evening he had several visitors to his room who all wanted to say their goodbyes.  It was heartbreaking to see them with tears in their eyes as they expressed their love for him and said goodbye. A few of them told us they didn't know how we were handling it so well.  I have never been so grateful for the gospel and the peace and strength the spirit brings in times such as this. It was the only thing that helped us handle it.

Ryan's brother flew in from California and the three of us sat with Cliff most of Tuesday.  He could no longer respond to us and we weren't even sure he knew we were there but we hoped he could feel of our love for him and hear us when we spoke.  By 6:30 Ryan's sister and husband came along with his Pastors and another dear friend.  The nurses then came in to explain to us what would take place.

At 6:45pm they gave him some Ativan to help calm and relax him

At 7:00pm they gave him some morphine. This was to help open his airway and give him the sensation that he was breathing. They explained to us that he would feel no pain and everything would be very calm and peaceful. They said it would be harder for us to watch than it would be for him. They said his breathing would not be sufficient but how long it took for him to pass depended on when his heart would give out. I really had to brace myself.

At 7:15pm they turned off all the alarms and then unplugged the ventilator from his throat.  We all gathered around his bedside and expressed our love for him. The Pastors said a prayer and we told him it was okay to take flight and return home and that we would be okay. After a couple of minutes we could see the color drain from his face. His breathing went from somewhat rapid (as if he were trying to catch his breath) to only breathing about once every 15-20 seconds.  We cried, we hugged, we prayed.

At 7:30 the nurse listened to his heart and then said "I am so sorry for your loss."  He was gone.

It is hard for me to explain that experience in words.  I had never been around death at any time in my life and I thought I would be so terrified to be in the same room with a person who had died. But even though this experience was heartbreaking, it wasn't terrifying.  It was peaceful.  I felt blessed to witness such a spiritual event.

A few minutes after Cliff had gone everyone had, for one reason or another, left the room and I was left in there by myself with his body.  I took a moment to thank him for raising such a wonderful son and I promised him again (he already made me promise a month or two ago) that I would take good care of Ryan and he didn't need to worry.  I told him we would love him always and that we knew he was happy where he was and that because of that we would be okay.  I cried for only a minute before that peace came again and I was reassured that we really would be okay. Cliff may be gone from us for now but we will see him again. Of that I have no doubt.

I am so grateful the short time I had to get to know him.  May he rest in peace until the glorious day of the Resurrection.

1st Anniversary

One year ago on January 12th, I married my best friend in the Salt Lake LDS Temple.  I cannot believe that one whole year has already passed.  It has been a year of challenges but also a year of laughter and joy.  Ryan and I have definitely grown closer together as we have tried to work through our differences and have grown more in love with each other in the process. It has been a wonderful year!

This past weekend to celebrate our 1st year anniversary, we decided we wanted to take a quick trip out of town so Ryan took me to Midway, Utah and we stayed in the "Honeymoon Suite" at the Homestead Resort.  I had never been to the Homestead before and I loved it.  LOVED it! There is just something so peaceful and serene about being in the mountains - especially right after a fresh snowfall.  The minute we got there we both knew we wanted to stay longer than we had planned.  We were both sad to leave.  But it was an amazing getaway just the same.  We didn't do too much outdoors because it was nearly 0 degrees outside and we were freezing but our little cottage was quiet and so romantic. We had a jetted tub, a fireplace and a big screen TV. There really was no reason to go out.  :)

Here are a few pictures of our stay:

The deer were just chilling by our cottage and let us walk right up to them. It was awesome!

This is the Crater.  Apparently you can go swimming in there but we didn't have reservations nor did we think to pack our swimsuits.  So, just another reason why we'll have to go back sometime!

This is the cottage we stayed in.  It was SO cute and SO quiet! We were on the top floor and nobody was below us. We seriously could have stayed there for an entire week.

 The one and only picture we got of the two of us together - standing on our deck.

We had such a great time and were both sad to see the weekend come to a close.  It was the best first anniversary I could have asked for.  I can't wait for year #2!  :)