Ryan and Me: Chapter Nine

Even though the conversations about my religion continued as time went on, it seemed the conversations about our friendship and dating did as well. Over the 24th of July weekend, my sister and I made plans to go to Jackson Hole, WY to see her friend who was in a play and I invited Ryan to come along. Things seemed to be going well at first, until the moment we were walking down the street in the center of town and he reached for my hand. Once again, I had to pull away. He asked if there was a problem and I said we would talk about it later.

That was not how I had planned for things to go. Here we were on vacation and I now had to ruin it by telling him, again, that I wasn't ready to take our relationship to that level. Part of me didn't want to say anything until we got back home but I knew it would just make things awkward if we didn't talk about it. Before the play started Ryan had been sitting outside by himself, obviously frustrated with what had happened earlier, so I left my sister and went out to talk to him. I explained, again, that I just wasn't ready to take that step. I couldn't date someone I couldn't potentially marry in the temple. The conversation left him a little upset and it took awhile for us to act normal around each other again. But we eventually got through it and the weekend turned out to be really fun.

About a week or so after that we went on another drive together. We had planned to go hiking but then decided that in order to have a more indepth conversation we needed to do something a little less strenuous. So we drove over to Draper and then took a 5 mile walk. We again ended up talking about our relationship. Ryan was trying so hard to understand where I was coming from but it was difficult. He told me about a conversation he had with his dad and his dad basically told him not to waste his time. Neither of them could understand why anyone would turn down a relationship that had the potential to be great just because the other person wasn't of their same faith. I didn't know how else to explain it in a way that he would understand. He said part of him wanted to listen to his dad and just walk away from it, but the other part of him felt like he needed to be patient.

Then on August 17th when we were hanging out I could tell something was up with him. It took awhile for him to talk about it but he eventually told me he felt he was becoming too attached. We ended up talking about it for quite awhile. I told him I understood and that if it was too hard for him and we needed to back off, I would do that. It tore me up inside but I knew I had no right to put him through what he was going through. That night upon returning home, I jotted these feelings down in my journal:

"...It's not that I don't want things to progress, it's just that right now they can't. I was very straight with him and I think I hit him with a knife through the heart a time or two but at least now there is no question as to where I stand. I can't allow myself to wish and hope when I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I mean there is always hope, but I still have to remain focused on now..."

Unless someone has been through an experience like this, they probably can't understand how hard it is. I felt like I was being so cold & heartless with Ryan, but I knew that with him I had to be strong. I couldn't allow my feelings for him to overpower my decision to only date someone I could marry. Looking back, it is amazing for me to see how Ryan continued to remain so patient when I gave him every reason to walk away. I am now so grateful that he stuck with it. I knew the risk I was taking by always telling him no. I was fully aware that he could walk away at any minute and I would have lost my chance. I know we both shed many tears into our pillows at night because neither of us could have what we wanted. It was so hard! But I believe that those moments, as trying as they were, are exactly what got us to where we are now. We can get through any trial together. It doesn't matter how big or small that trial is; it doesn't matter how many words of frustration are spoken; it doesn't matter how many tears are shed. We know that no matter what comes our way, we can get through it. I believe we owe that to how hard we had to work to build our friendship in the beginning. Our relationship was something that neither of us felt we could walk way from but at the same time it was also something we really had to work for. To this day we still sometimes say, "It shouldn't be this hard." But you know what, sometimes it is. Relationships are a constant test of our patience, our faith, and our determination. Sometimes they may be more of a challenge than we would like but even then we usually come out of those moments stronger than we were before.

These conversations eventually eased up a bit though they never completely stopped. It was still something that proved to be frustrating at times, but for the most part we tried to keep our focus more on the friendship we did have rather than on the relationship we couldn't have. This was good because it allowed us to focus more on Ryan and his search for the truth. My internal dilemma still continued to surface though: was Ryan showing interest in my faith because he wanted to believe it or was he doing it simply to date me? This would be something that would weigh heavily on my mind for the next few months as our conversations and our friendship continued.