Ryan and Me: Chapter Ten

My friendship with Ryan proved to be more dynamic than most friendships. It was obvious that we were closer to each other than two people would be who were "just friends". With us, there were obvious signs of attraction as well as a strong desire on both our parts to be more than friends. Because I was so stubborn and wouldn't allow the two of us to date, we did the best we could to maintain our friendship. But this was where the challenge came because while I maintained we could only be friends on the outside, I obviously felt more than that on the inside. And because of that, I was often harder on him than I should have been. I expected so much more of him than anyone would expect of someone who was just a friend. In my mind I still saw him for who he truly had the potential to be and because of that, I expected him to act as such.

This brings to mind one very defining moment in our relationship. It occurred on August 4, 2010. I had had a very difficult day at work. I did run into Ryan a few times and each time we did I would have this thought to talk with him. But we never really did. We'd say hello in passing and a quick "how are you?" but nothing very extensive. It wasn't until after work that I really felt like I should talk to him so I sent him a text. I thought I could go over to his house and visit for a bit. But it turned out that he had had a really bad day too. I asked him if he wanted me to come over and chat for a bit and he said the one thing I never, ever wanted to hear.

"I'd love for you to come over but I've had a few drinks and probably won't be the best company."

Now, I knew that Ryan was a drinker so it wasn't really a surprise to me that he would choose to have a drink or two after having a bad day. But for some reason this completely threw me off guard. I had had a bad day and could have used a friend. Not a drunk one though. He had had a bad day and even though he said he wanted to call me, he didn't want to be a burden. So instead of turning to me for help he did what he always did...he turned to the bottle. Even though I probably had no right to, I felt hurt. He told me I could still go over but of course I said I'd go another time. He felt I hated him for the choice he made. I told him that I didn't hate him but I was disappointed. I would have prefered he called me instead of turning to alcohol.

All in all the night didn't go how I had planned at all. I ended up crying much of the night. I felt so conflicted. Part of me wanted to go over there anyway to be the friend that he needed but the other part of me felt like he had already made his choice and I couldn't be there to tell him it would be okay when clearly it wasn't okay. I couldn't support him in making a choice I felt was wrong. I just couldn't. So I turned to Heavenly Father and asked Him to be there for Ryan because I just couldn't do it. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that I was expecting too much from Ryan. I didn't judge him for the choice he made. I knew it wouldn't affect our friendship. But at the same time, I knew he had the potential to be so much better than that. And because of that I expected so much more of him.

Over the course of the next couple of days we did have a chance to talk about it. He told me he had dumped the rest of his alcohol down the drain because he realized his drinking was now affecting more than just him. Just like that he gave it up. I have never been more happy or more proud of him than I was upon hearing that. Now he really had the chance to become that person I always knew and believed he could be.

Ryan did have one more drink after our conversation when he went out to dinner with a friend. That was on August 12, 2010. As of today, August 13, 2011, Ryan has been alcohol free for exactly one year. I am so proud of him for this choice that he made and it has been such a blessing for me to see how far he has come in such a short amount of time.

Once Ryan gave up the alcohol, he began doing other "30 day challenges" just to see if he could challenge himself to go without something. The logic behind this is that after doing something for 30 days it becomes a habit. He went 30 days without watching any R-rated movies. To my knowledge he hasn't watched one since. He went 30 days without drinking coffee. He has had one since but that was nearly 10 months ago. He stopped swearing as well. The transformation that has taken place in him is almost impossible for me to describe. Some people say that I had a big part in bringing about this change. Perhaps to an extent that is true. But Ryan is the one who made these choices. He is the one who went through it all. He was ready and willing to make these changes in his life and he did it. He had the desire to do it. No matter how difficult and challenging it was to give up so many things he had grown accustomed to, he had that faith, patience and determination to see it through. All I did was be there to encourage and support.

It is important to also note that all these changes were made by Ryan because he wanted to better his life and these were simply steps that would take him that direction. He saw my example and wondered if he could live the same way. These changes were made before he really began to feel a change of heart toward my religious beliefs. In a way I guess you could say that Heavenly Father was preparing him before he even realized it.