Ryan and Me: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven:

From August to October not much changed in my friendship with Ryan. We continued to go on our long drives and have our long talks about my religion. He seemed to grab hold of some of my beliefs, like that of eternal marriage and eternal families. He loved the idea of being able to be with his family beyond this life. To him that was a beautiful concept. But there were still things that seemed to bother him too, like the belief that God has a plan for each of us. To him that felt like predestination and he didn't like that idea because it made him feel like it didn't matter what he chose to do in this life because his future was already chosen for him. I assured him that was not the case. Heavenly Father did have a plan for him but only he could choose if he wanted to be guided down that path. Heavenly Father would not, in any way, force his hand and make him do anything he didn't want to do. Ryan would always have a choice.

At other times we would discuss the Book of Mormon and even though he said he thought it was an interesting book he still wasn't sure whether he believed it. To him it just seemed like a really good story. But I'll never forget the times where I felt impressed to share certain passages from it, such as the stories of Enos and Alma the Younger. After each of those moments Ryan would sit there and then say, "What made you share that particular passage with me?" And then he'd thank me for doing so. Those moments would always give me so much hope but then somehow it always seemed to come back to "it's a good story but I just don't know if I believe it."

Then there was the night we sat at his house for hours and talked. I tried to share with him the story of Joseph Smith's first vision. It was the first time I had ever shared that story with someone not of my faith and I have to admit, I was nervous. It felt like I couldn't say what I really wanted to say. I stumbled over my words, I even laughed a time or two at what was coming out of my mouth. The story sounded ridiculous! For the first time I completely understood why someone wouldn't believe it. A 14 year old boy went into a grove of trees to pray and he saw God and Jesus Christ? In person? Yes. But because it sounded crazy coming out of my mouth, I had serious fears that Ryan was simply laughing inside and thinking I was a nut job for believing it. I finally stopped and said something like, "I'm sorry. I can't really express what I'm trying to say. This all sounds so crazy." And then much to my surprise, Ryan looked at me and basically said that it didn't sound crazy at all and it made complete sense to him. Right then I learned a very valuable lesson: even when we don't feel like we're saying the right thing or making any sense, it's okay because the Spirit is the one doing the teaching. The Spirit will make sense of the babble coming from our mouths and will touch the other person's heart. All that is required of us is to open our mouth.

These kinds of conversations continued. Ryan asked a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. There were times when I didn't know an answer and would have to tell him I'd research it and get back to him. I would go home those nights and I would not sleep until I had found the answers to his questions. I loved these moments the most because not only was I teaching him, but I was learning for myself. I learned and grew so much during this time. I'm not sure Ryan even knew how much his inquiries helped strengthen my own testimony.

Each of these conversations had some kind of impact on Ryan but one of the most defining moments of Ryan's spiritual journey came on October 21, 2010. We had taken one of our long drives and ended up at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. I could tell something was off with him but I couldn't really tell what so I didn't say anything at first. After a few minutes he began to tell me that he was worried that his feelings for me were interfering with his decision to investigate the church. So it seemed my biggest concern and the one I tried my hardest to avoid, was coming true after all. We discussed it at length and ultimately I told him I would do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to do this on his own, I would support that decision. It certainly wasn't something I wanted, but for him I was willing to do it. But even through this discussion I had this overwhelming feeling inside that I needed to be more direct with him in regards to the church. I knew that he had to come to a decision on his own but with Ryan it was difficult because he would start to go one direction and then do a complete 180. I never knew exactly what he was thinking or feeling. Now I felt I could no longer worry about being too pushy. I had to know where he stood. So I asked him if he believed any of it. He said there were some aspects he agreed with and believes in but he doesn't believe all of it. I then told him we had to start at the beginning.

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Do you believe the Book of Mormon is the word of God?"

"No."

"Do you believe Joseph Smith is a prophet of God?"

"No."

Despite the sadness I felt in my heart, at least now I knew where he stood. I took a breath and continued.

"It has to start right there. If you don't believe that, none else matters."

I then explained that the rest of my beliefs wouldn't make any sense if he didn't believe in Joseph Smith. I then asked him if he knew the Joseph Smith story (knowing I had already tried to explain it to him once before) and he relayed to me what he knew of the First Vision. When he finished I looked at him and said, "Do you believe anything you just said?" He didn't seem to understand the question so I asked again, "Do you believe anything that just came out of your mouth?" and he said, "Well, I feel like I can relate to what he went through in search for truth because I'm going through it." "So", I said, "you believe it could have happened?" He then told me he believed it.

At that point I told him that he needed to read the entire Joseph Smith History and then pray about it. He told me that he would and then laughed and said "Maybe I should have started with this". That hit me. I couldn't believe that during all those months of conversations, I never once had him read anything about the First Vision. I felt horrible, but then I remembered that I was just trying not to be pushy. It became apparent to me that night, however, that sometimes Ryan does need a gentle push. But interestingly enough, that push didn't really come from me. I acted only in the way I felt I needed to. If I didn't have that feeling to do so, I don't think I would have done it.

Before I got out of his car that night I took his iPhone, pulled up the Gospel Library, opened to the Joseph Smith History then left it there so it would be the first thing he saw the next time he picked up his phone. Then I went inside feeling hopeful that this would be the turning point of his conversion.