Ryan and Me: Chapter One

Editors Note: I thought about giving the titles of these installments fancier names like, "Ryan and Me: The Friendship" but then I realized that "The Friendship" would take much more than one installment to share and I didn't want my titles to be as long as the entry. So, I decided to just go with the boring old "Chapter" titles. I hope that doesn't cause any of you to stop reading.

Chapter One:

After I left the retirement reception that day, I could not stop thinking about Ryan. I knew, based on the feeling I had, that I needed to get to know him better but I had no idea how to go about doing that. We hardly knew each other and it wasn't like I was just going to waltz into his office, sit down and start chatting. Oh no. I'm much too shy for that. I'd rather have a root canal than put myself through that humiliation. So, I sat on it for a week. One whole week.

It was finally a week later when I logged into my computer at work and saw an error message pop up. Then another thought came to me: "Have him fix your computer." The thought originally came as if someone else had said it, but then my own thoughts quickly took over: "Have him fix my computer?!? What a brilliant idea! He is the computer guy after all, and it just so happens that I have a computer issue!" So I quickly typed up an email explaining the issue and sent it off.

He came over about an hour later and set to work. During that time we sat and talked. And I mean we actually talked. It was casual and it felt comfortable. It was the perfect opportunity for us to chat a little bit but not feel the pressure of having to keep a conversation going. If there was a lull in the conversation I just attributed it to him focusing on getting my computer fixed. After 20 minutes he was done and out the door.

The interesting thing to me in all of this was that I had been having this same error message pop up on my computer screen every morning for a few weeks prior to this. And I can recall one other moment where I had typed up an email to have him come fix it. But then right before I hit the send button, I felt like I shouldn't send it. I didn't know why, but the feeling I had was something like, "It's not a big deal right now. Take care of it later." Therefore, I deleted the email and never did anything about it. So why did I wait to send the email until weeks later? I attribute it all to timing. It turned out to be the initial opportunity I needed to talk to him. Had I sent that email weeks earlier, that opportunity probably would have been wasted. And I most likely wouldn't have experienced what came next.

Friday, the day he came to fix my computer, also happened to be the day that some of the offices in the basement had a little open house to show off some remodeling work they had done. That afternoon I walked around to these offices and Network Support - Ryan's office - happened to be part of it. Here was my chance to talk to him again. I walked in his office feeling excited but also feeling quite nervous. By this point I knew I was attracted to him and I didn't want to give off any impressions that would cause him to think me an idiot. Because of my nerves, I felt like I overcompensated. Instead of being normal and natural like I was earlier in the day, I was completely hyper and teenager-ish. I felt like I was trying way too hard. I noticed that Ryan was focusing all his attention on me, even though there were four or five other people in the room, and this caused me to blush and sweat profusely. I felt so embarrassed but even then I found it hard to leave. I wanted to stay and keep talking to him. I only stayed about 20 minutes, however, and then I left.

It was difficult for me to focus the rest of the day because I had so many thoughts running through my head. I was attracted to him, I knew that much. I could tell by the giddy feeling I had inside. But at the same time I felt extremely conflicted because I also knew that because I was LDS and he most likely wasn't, I couldn't allow myself to date him. To put my heart, and potentially his as well, in a stuation that would only end up in heartache for both of us was out of the question. I knew that no matter how badly I wanted to pursue something with him, I just couldn't do it.

But at the same time, I couldn't give up. Something inside me still seemed to say, "You need to get to know him better." So despite how conflicted I felt, I did what I needed to do: find more ways to get to know him better.