Who I Am and Why...

I am not, by nature, an extroverted person. Most of you who know me well know that I have dealt with social anxiety much of my life. Because of this I have lived my life with certain fears: the fear of being judged and the fear of being laughed at. Because of these fears I have always had a tendency to shy away from anything that would bring attention to myself: meeting people, talking to people, or doing pretty much anything that requires me to be social or talk in front of others. Over the past few years I have started to learn how to control these fears instead of having them control me, and slowly I am making progress. But the truth of the matter is that the fears and anxieties will, to an extent, always be there and I will most likely always have to make a conscious effort to overcome them. It will never be something that comes easily.

In looking back on my life and the interactions I have had with other people, I know some have viewed me as perhaps being a little stuck up. I'm not, I just have a hard time talking to people. I also know that some think I'm boring. I have been called a "party pooper" and "poor sport" most of my life because I have a difficult time playing games and participating in activities. I also know that I put up my defenses anytime I fear someone is judging or making fun of me. This causes me to be snappy with people and they, in turn, want nothing more to do with me. I also know that I tend to keep to myself a lot which causes people to think I'm aloof or unconcerned about them. That isn't the case at all. Sometimes it's just easier to not have to deal with people, not because I don't want to deal with them but because I don't want to deal with my anxieties about doing so.

All these things combined have made it very hard for me to make and keep friends. Many people don't really get me because they don't know or understand this part of me. It's not something I usually talk about because unless anyone has ever experienced it, it's not something they can really understand. But at the same time, it's a very difficult thing to overcome on my own and I constantly need help and support from others.

This is who I am; a person inflicted with social anxiety. But I am also a person who has a very big heart and who rarely holds a grudge. I am a person who will always consider others because I know what it feels like not to be considered. I am a person who likes to have fun, who can talk anyone's ear off if given the chance and who loves, loves, loves to laugh. Unfortunately many people never get to see this side of me because it's not the side that is easily seen.*

Because of my social anxiety, I know I am a hard person to get to know. It's not intentional on my part. All I really need is to feel like I can be myself around others and trust that they won't laugh at me or judge me for doing so. Though that sounds pretty simple, it's not. Why? Because it is in most people's nature to judge and make fun of others. That is what makes this daily journey so challenging. But, I will continue to work on overcoming this and hopefully it will become a little easier now that you all know who I am and why.

**I believe this is one of the biggest reasons why I am still single. Guys just don't get me and don't want to invest the time it takes to get to know me. If they don't see what they want to see right away, they're done.